Title: "Into the Black Abyss" Author: Lavinia Paige (Lavinia627@aol.com) Rating: PG Classification: SRA Keywords: Mulder/Scully romance Summary: Scully develops anorexia nervosa and tries to keep the secret from her partner... Disclaimer: I don't own the characters of Mulder and Scully. They belong to CC, 1013 Productions, and Fox. They are used only for entertainment; no money will be made from this story. WARNING: This story deals with the psychosomatic disorder anorexia nervosa. If any of you feel you might be offended by this subject, don't read the story. Also, for you emotional types, Scully gets really sick in this story--tons of angst for the dynamic duo... I would GREATLY appreciate it if you'd send me comments on this story. Send all flames and praises to: Lavinia627@aol.com Please be kind. This is my first fanfic. "Into the Black Abyss" By: Lavinia Paige Present time June 28, 1997 Around 9:00 PM Dana Scully managed to get through her front door before her knees buckled beneath her, and she fell hard to the floor. Waves of nausea consumed her as she laid down flat on her back. The world drifted slowly around her as she fought to stay conscious. All she could feel was her head pounding in tandem with the beating of her heart. She tried to move, but her limbs felt like lead. It seemed as if her entire body was trembling. She attempted to stop the constant muscle spasms, but nothing she did seemed to work. A high-pitched ringing sounded in her ears, and she knew that she would black out very soon... *Tired...so tired* she thought, her eyes half-lidded. *Can't move...so tired...need help...* A Few Hours Later Tick tock. Tick tock. The first thing she heard as her auditory senses came back to her was the constant ticking of her mantle clock. It soothed her, urged her to go back to sleep. *NO!* her mind screamed through a thick fog of drowsiness. *You have to get up! You have to move...you can't just lay here like this!* Her thoughts pushed her to shift slightly on the floor. *I can feel my legs again!* *Am I still shaking?* *No* *Good* She slowly bent her knees towards her torso, feeling her muscles scream in protest. A jolt of pain sprang up her spinal cord and crashed against her throbbing head. "Ohhh..." she moaned softly from the pain. *I must have hit the floor harder than I thought* *OK, Dana...you are going to move...now* Ever so slowly, Scully turned onto her side and then onto her stomach, groaning the entire time. She placed her palms flat against the hardwood floor and pushed down. Her body resisted at first and then lifted under the forced pressure of her hands. When she managed to move her torso a few inches off the floor, she drew her knees up under her. She stayed on her hands and knees for a few minutes, slightly swaying back and forth. She blindly crawled away from the front door in the general direction of her couch. Whimpering slightly as she hit the cushions of the couch, she pulled herself onto it and rested her head against its plush pillows. *OK, Dana...you've come this far. You can't quit now. You have to get to the kitchen and take the pills. The pills will make it all better* She moved off the couch and staggered blindly towards the kitchen. She attempted to open her eyes to see, but her eyelids would not budge. She felt her way along the wall until she felt the wood of her kitchen table. She steadied herself on a chair and moved to the sink. Turning the faucet on ice cold, she splashed water on her face and forced her eyes to open. She first noticed that everything around her was completely dark. It had to have been at least midnight... *Light, I need light* She reached for the light switch by the faucet but never made it. The hand that was keeping her upright against the counter slipped, and she went down like a rag doll, hitting her chin hard against the Formica as she fell. She cried out in pain as she hit the floor for the second time that night. Reaching up, she touched her chin, feeling the wetness of blood against her fingertips. With the support of a chair beside her, she pulled herself to a standing position again. She felt along the wall closest to the refrigerator and finally came to a light switch and flicked it on. Light flooded the kitchen, and she grimaced at the visible blood stains on the linoleum floor. *You'll clean it up later. Right now, you need to get your strength back* She went slowly (still not trusting her body to function properly) towards the counter by the sink. Sitting close to the faucet was her medication. She grabbed the bottle and quickly tried to remove the lid. Her hands started trembling again, and she fumbled mercilessly with the bottle. "Open, dammit!" she yelled at the bottle. Finally, after many frustrating attempts, the lid popped off. She swallowed two pills, not bothering to wash them down with water. Then, she sluggishly sat down at the table to wait for the drug to give her body its much needed energy. Energy boosters...that's all they were. They simply increased her metabolism and allowed her to continue on with everyday function. She had cut a close call today, though. She'd forgotten to take them at the right time at work and had almost fallen apart... *Almost, Dana...You almost lost it...* *But everything's OK now...you are OK. Nothing happened* She knew deep down that she should not be taking them. They could have dangerous side effects. The doctor side of Dana Scully fought her every time she went to rewrite a prescription for them. But she NEEDED them at this point...she couldn't *live* without them. She sighed heavily and pressed her cheek against the smooth wood surface of the table. Her eyes fell on a blueberry muffin sitting on the middle of the table. It was neatly wrapped in plastic wrap. A single bite had been taken from the small cake. *You know, Dana, you should eat something. It's been such a long time...* She reached out and grasped the muffin. Unwrapping it slowly, she tore a small piece from the top. She watched as her hand led the food to her mouth. Something in her head suddenly snapped. *WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! YOU CAN'T EAT THAT! IT WON'T MAKE YOU FEEL ANY BETTER, AND YOU'LL BE RUINING YOUR BODY IN THE PROCESS!* "No!" she screamed out loud to her hand, which seemed to be functioning by itself. Her lips quivered as she put the muffin against her mouth. "Please, NO!" she mouthed against it. Her hand dropped like dead weight, and the small piece rolled off the table and onto the floor. "NO!" she howled in rage, swapping at the remainder of the cake. It tumbled over the table's edge. She dissolved into unadulterated tears. "Ohhh...what's wrong with me?" she whimpered out loud. "I'm sick...I need help...but I...just...can't..." She got up and pushed away from the table, walking towards her bedroom. Tears streaked her cheeks, and she pushed them away in anger. "You're so weak, Dana Scully!" she said, turning to look at herself in her hall mirror. Deep, dark circles hung under her pale blue eyes. Her face was swollen and her chin puckered red. Dark hollows that were her cheeks made her face look drawn and sick. Her fiery red hair was matted and sticking to her forehead and neck. She looked awful... "Absolutely awful," she moaned at her reflection. She turned from the mirror in a burst of energy and hit the adjacent wall...hard. Her fist flew against her body impulsively as pain shot up her arm. She whimpered and walked farther down the hall to her bedroom. Not even bothering to change into pajamas, Scully collapsed onto her bed. *Tired. So tired...need help* were her last thoughts before she fell into a deep sleep. *** 6 months earlier "Come on, Scully! What can possibly be taking so long?!" he said loudly, pounding on her hotel room door again and wishing she would hurry up. His stomach let out a loud growl. "Please, Scully. I'm starving here!" he whined like a four year old kid. "Coming!" he heard her say at last. She opened her door swiftly and stepped out of the room. He smiled appreciatively at her. She had changed from her normal work clothes and was now wearing jeans and a green knit sweater. "Jeez, Mulder," she said in angry annoyance, "you are the most impatient person I know." "Only when it comes to food, Scully," he said pushing her along with a hand to the small of her back. "Come on, I know of a great little restaurant." *** Scully hated the place. It was loud, greasy, dark, and smelled of cigarette smoke. Twangy country music blared from a jukebox while an assortment of drunks attempted to line dance in between the cramped tables. Waitresses dressed in hotpants wound their ways through the dancers and tables, swapping away the wandering hands of the male drunks. She turned to notice the restaurant's chef. He was fat with greasy hair and smoked on a large cigar while preparing the food. *Just Mulder's type of place* she thought in amusement. She looked across the table at him after they were seated. He was thoroughly engrossed in the restaurant's menu. She smiled as her eyes grazed the T-shirt he was wearing. It was plain and simple, but its stormy gray color reflected beautifully in his eyes. She cherished the long moment she had to look at him: the soft wisp of hair that fell over his forehead...the way his cheekbones worked under his tanned skin as he considered the menu...the way his pouty lips curved into a slight smile... His eyes snapped up to look at her and she was pulled out of her reverie. He had caught her looking at him...again. "Is everything OK, Scully?" he asked, smiling teasingly at her. She blushed deeply, praying he couldn't tell because of the dimly lit room. "Y-yes, Mulder...everything's fine...uh..." She changed the subject. "What are you getting?" He grinned, knowing what she was trying to do. He decided to let her off the hook just this once. "Well, I was thinking about the *Meaty, Cheezy, Greazy Burger*" She frowned in disgust by his choice of food. "What about you?" he asked closing the menu. "Ummm, well, I'm not sure yet. Maybe the Caesar salad." "Mmmmm..." he said, trailing off. She knew he was going to say something and then decided not to. "What do you mean 'Mmmmm'? What is it?" "It's nothing, Scully," he said matter of factly. "I was just going to tell you I was watching this news show, and I heard that a Caesar salad has six times as much fat as a regular house salad." Her brows furrowed. "And you're telling me this why?" "I don't know..." he said, a little embarrassed for even bringing it up. "I just thought because, you know...I mean most women are concerned about that sort of thing. I just thought you'd like to know." She swallowed hard. "And you think I should...?" He stopped her. "No, no, Scully. I didn't mean anything by it. Just forget I said anything." She nodded, feeling extremely put down. *Does he think I should be concerned about that? Does he think I should watch my weight?* Waves of insecurity filled her mind. She sub-consciously ran her hands over her stomach and hips. She was genuinely confused by what he had said to her. He had never said anything like that to her before...why now? Just then, the waitress came up to their table, and Scully shuddered at the way Mulder was looking her over. He was practically drooling. She looked at the waitress fully. OK, so she was pretty...beautiful...absolutely gorgeous--tall, slim waisted, leggy, and busty. *This is what he likes* she thought ruefully as "Miss Perfect Body" took Mulder's order. *He likes them tall and leggy...like...like...* she grimaced inwardly, *Phoebe* "And for you, Miss?" the woman asked, startling Scully from her brooding. "Um...I'll just have a House salad please." "Scully?" Mulder asked after the waitress had left. "I thought you wanted a Caesar salad?" "No. I changed my mind," she said curtly. "This isn't about--?" "No!" she said defensively. "Just forget it, Mulder, OK?" He nodded, feeling more than just a little bit guilty. *** After she said goodnight to Mulder, Scully found herself looking at her reflection in the hotel room's full length mirror. *Do I need to lose weight? I never really thought about it before.* She slowly removed her sweater and jeans and stood staring at herself only in her underwear. She shook her head. *Ugh...so short and stubby* Her hips seemed very wide tonight--or maybe she just hadn't noticed before. The small mound of her stomach seemed to grow bigger as she watched it. And her face...her face was way too round. *I AM fat* she thought, tears coming to her eyes. *Why didn't I see this before? Mulder was trying to tell me nicely tonight, wasn't he? Ohhh, I need to lose weight, and fast!* That night, she decided she would start on a diet by eating less food everyday. During the first two weeks, she planned to skip the least important meal of the day--lunch. Soon, though, she realized that wouldn't work, because Mulder always was with her for lunch, and he would constantly ask why she wasn't eating. *No, that definitely would not work* She had decided early on not to tell him about her diet. He probably would lecture her about her method and say that she was starving herself or something--which was completely untrue. All she was doing was skipping a meal a day--it wasn't a problem--lots of people did it. Her medical training taught her about the right and wrong way to diet. Dieting by not eating was not the answer, but she knew meal plans would not work for her. When she was a teenager, she tried a 1,000 calorie a day meal plan, and she never lost any weight from it. So it came to this. But it would work. She would make it work. xxxxxx After three weeks of skipping dinner or breakfast everyday, Scully looked into the mirror in dismay. There wasn't ANY change as far as she could tell. She still looked--or so she thought--flabby. What was worse was the change in her attitude. Since she started the plan, she had become rather irritable and had a short attention span. She became preoccupied with her looks and didn't focus on her work as much as she used to. Mulder had definitely noticed the change but did not dare to question her about it. *It's just stress* he told himself. *Your work has been very demanding these past few months...* So through rationalization, Mulder decided not to worry about her every minute of everyday. But he did not totally forget. Another problem she faced was extreme fatigue. Being a doctor, she knew that it was because her body wasn't accustomed to what she was doing to it. It would soon adapt to the change, though. Now, as she stared at her reflection, she knew that it wasn't enough. She had to eliminate more food from her diet plus start to exercise everyday. *That's it...I really have to exercise* She started to go to the gym everyday before work. She avoided breakfast most of the time, telling herself she still had to eat lunch with Mulder. That lunch in turn would allow her to skip dinner as well. The constant fatigue increased drastically. She felt that her body was not adapting fast enough. As a result, she wrote herself a prescription for a reliable brand of energy boosting pills. These pills would help the tiredness and lack of food not tear her body to shreds. After about a week of taking the drugs, she felt more healthy than she had in almost two months. As it came to the third month mark, she had psychologically made food her enemy and exercise her life. Her only problem was keeping her foodless-diet a secret from her partner. *He would never approve of something like this. But he doesn't understand what it is like to look in the mirror and see a heavy person. He has no idea how horrifying that can be for someone...for me.* The day she decided to not eat at all unless it was absolutely necessary was the day she also made a pact with herself. She promised herself that when she lost enough weight, she would start to eat again. She soon broke her own promise. One night, she stepped on her scale and saw she had lost twenty pounds in three months. As she looked at her body in the mirror, though, she still saw the fat Dana Scully. In reality, her stomach had sunken in, her hips had lost their curviness and become flatter, and her face had become thin and pointed. Her mind's eye overpowered reality--twenty pounds wasn't enough! Her clothes started to look baggy and large on her, but she dismissed it. She refused to buy better fitting clothes, because she didn't want Mulder or anyone else to notice that she was getting smaller by the day. Instead, she bought an assortment of new belts, so her pants wouldn't fall down. She also bought extra shoulder padding for her suit coats, so she looked just as sturdy shouldered as ever. Her face became a problem. It did look totally different from a few months ago, and she needed to hide the small dark circles that were always under her eyes. Therefore, she bought new make-up and loaded it on everyday. Mulder was never permitted to see her off hours--that was her own rule. If he didn't see her without her painted facade, he would never know her horrible secret. *Yes, it is a secret* she finally realized one day. *It is a secret that I am scared of food and am living on drugs. It is a secret that I am getting smaller and not thinking it is enough. This is it. It is my secret that I have a disease, and I won't even let myself realize it* Her body reminded her of this secret each passing day, but her mind would never acknowledge it. *** Mulder caught her arm as she was just about to leave the office for the evening. "Hey Scully, please have dinner with me tonight," he said sweetly. "I never get to see you outside this office anymore...even for lunches." She sighed heavily, looking into his pleading eyes. *He really wants my company tonight* She gave him a small smile. *That's kind of sweet* *But don't you know what 'going to dinner' means? It means you have to actually eat in front of someone!* *I know that, but I can't turn him down. I've turned him down too much lately* *You're taking a big risk to your body if you do this! You know that, don't you?* *Yes, yes, and I'll be careful* *** The small cafe was classy but not too classy to be stuck-up. She smiled as Mulder escorted her through the lovely arched doorway, hung up her overcoat for her, and held her chair for her as she sat down. *He's being quite the gentleman* she thought happily. It was a rare day in her life when Mulder actually treated her with this kind of gentility. She absolutely loved the attention. She peered at her menu nervously. *Oh my gosh, what do I get?! I haven't seen food like this for four months. How can I decide? It has to be small--REALLY small* While she quietly studied her menu, Mulder looked at her. She seemed to have changed a lot. She wore a lot more make-up than she used to--something he didn't really like on her. He also saw that her clothes hung loosely against her. Did she like the baggy clothes look? He knew that he definitely didn't. He broke the silence between them. "So, Scully, are you ready to order?" She looked up with a far away look. "Yeah, yeah, I think so." When their meals came, Mulder was starving. He grinned as the waitress put the large T-bone steak and baked potato in front of him. *Ohhh, yes* he thought, *this should definitely hit the spot!* He watched as Scully's fish fillet with lemon juice seasoning was placed in front of her. He noticed that she seemed to grimace at the meal. "Is something wrong, Scully? Is it not prepared right?" She forcibly brightened her expression. "Oh no, Mulder. It's great." He gave her a toothy grin and dug into his steak. "So, Partner," he said between bites, "what do you think of the newest case?" She looked up from her untouched fish. *Maybe if I talk enough, I won't have to eat as much* That's exactly what she did. She dove into a deep conversation of the case with him. He ate as she talked, and she shuffled her food around, taking the smallest of bites every once and a while. In the middle of his steak, Mulder excused himself from the table to use the bathroom. While he was gone, Scully took the opportunity to push a large portion of her fish into a cloth napkin and stuff it into her purse. That way, he would not be suspicious. When he got back, he noticed she had eaten a lot of her meal while he was gone. She saw that he was looking curiously at her plate, and she went to defend herself. "Ummm, I never eat much when I'm engrossed in conversation. When you left, though, there was nothing to do but eat. And now, I'm a little too full to finish." She let out a little, nervous laugh. He smiled back. "That's OK. You don't have to finish, but I know that I'm going to finish this steak." She grinned back at him, happy that he took her explanation and proud that she had pulled it off so well. After dinner, Mulder took Scully home, and she invited him in for coffee. They sat in silence on the couch for a few long minutes before he spoke. "Scully, could you be honest with me about something?" She looked into his eyes. "Sure, Mulder, what is it?" He took a small sip of the steaming beverage in his hands. "How are you doing lately? I mean, is everything OK? I never see you anymore, and I miss that...you seem different, almost distant." He paused to watch her face. It held no emotion. "If something was wrong, you would tell me, right?" She looked down to her lap. "What makes you think something is wrong?" "I don't know," he said, softly touching her hand. "Like I said, you seem different. Is it something about work?" "No, no, Mulder," she smiled to reassure him. "I am fine--maybe a little stressed out--but all right." He nodded, not truly believing her. But that was something he had to except about Special Agent Dana Scully. He knew she had built sturdy walls around her feelings, and she rarely let people see her true emotions. When she said she was fine, there was nothing he could do to make her say otherwise. "OK, Scully, but you *would* tell me if something was wrong, right?" He watched as she swallowed hard. "Of course, Mulder." She looked extremely uncomfortable and taken back by his questions. He thought it would be best if he told her goodnight and left...but there was one more thing he had to ask. Reaching out, he cupped her pointed chin and brought her eyes to his. He slowly moved her head back and forth--to see her face on every side. "You've lost some weight, haven't you, Scully?" She tensed immediately. Her lips trembled as she spoke. "Uh, yeah. I suppose I have...just a little, though." He nodded, locking eyes with her again. This subject seemed to make her even more uncomfortable than the last one. He decided not to say anything else about it. Dropping his hand from her face, he slowly stood up. "It's late," he said, giving her a soft smile. "I should go." She nodded. "I had a really good time tonight, Mulder." He reached out and touched her jawline. "We should do it more often...good night, Scully." "See you tomorrow, bright and early," he called before walking out the door. "Bye," she whispered. When the door shut, she felt hot tears flood her eyes. *He asked me about my weight...did he notice anything? Oh please no, I don't want him to know...* Then, the trembling started again. It covered her entire body--did not neglect a single muscle. She struggled to get to her kitchen and took her medication. *** The morning after her dinner with Mulder, Scully's body was too weak to get out of bed. She decided to call in sick to work for the day. It had been a while since she had taken a sick day, and it wouldn't be a problem to get it approved. After calling Skinner with her request, she figured she should call Mulder. Before she could pick up the phone to dial, though, it rang. "Scully," she answered, trying to put strength into her voice. "Scully, it's me...where are you?" She knew it would be him. "I just called in sick, Mulder. I'm not feeling well today at all." She chuckled softly. "It's probably food poisoning or something." "Well, OK," he responded with concern. "Do you want me to bring you anything?" "No, that's OK. Thanks anyway." There was a long pause over the phone. "Well, Mulder. I'm really tired. I think I am going to go now." "All right, Scully," he said finally. "I'll talk to you later." With that, she heard a soft click on the other side of the receiver. She smiled slightly, thinking how strange it was that they never actually said good-bye to each other over the phone. The morning passed without incident. Scully stayed in bed most of the day, mainly because her legs weren't functioning very well. Around two in the afternoon, she was startled out of a light sleep by a knocking on her door. She had no idea what to do. Could she answer it? She decided to just ignore it, and whoever was knocking would eventually leave. That did not happen. Instead, she heard her lock turning and the door opening. She felt a jolt of fright go through her, wondering who it possibly could be. "Scully?" she heard Mulder timidly call. "Are you here?" Before she answered, she pulled her bed comforter up under her chin to hide her diminutive form. "I'm in here." He walked into the bedroom and frowned the minute he saw her. She looked absolutely horrible. Her eyes had deep, black circles underneath them, and her face looked thinner than before and extremely pale. She clutched the blankets against herself, covering her entire body except for her head. "What do you want, Mulder?" she said before he could speak. She saw the expression on his face when he looked at her and shuddered. He was still in shock over her appearance. "I-I just wanted to check up on you." He walked over and sat on the edge of the bed. "If I may be honest, Scully, you look horrible." "Thanks for boosting my spirits," she replied, giving him a slight smile. He tried to look into her eyes--the only gateway to her soul--but she looked away from him. "I--uh--brought you some soup and ginger ale--to help settle your stomach." She nodded appreciatively. "That's sweet, Mulder, but I don't really think I should eat anything right now. My stomach is doing somersaults as we speak." "Right," he stared off in the distance. "At least let me make you some tea or something." She nodded her approval. He stood up and walked to her kitchen. The first thing he noticed as he rummaged around for her teapot, tea bags, and sugar was the lack of food in her cupboards and refrigerator. In fact, she had considerably less food than he had in his own kitchen. As the tea water came to a boil, his eye caught sight of a small bottle of pills next to her faucet. He picked them up and saw that they were prescription vitamins--rather strong vitamins. *Since when did she start using these?* He brought the tea to her, and she quietly thanked him. He sat back down on the bed and pulled the pills from his pocket. "Dana, what are these?" he asked, holding the bottle up. He saw her pale face go a few shades whiter. "Um, they are just pills that give me a little boost of energy now and then. You know, to help me stay awake longer and stuff like that." He nodded, a grim expression on his face. She hated that look. It was the look that told her he didn't believe her. "What, Mulder?" she said in exasperation. "It's nothing, Scully. I've just heard that these are dangerous to your health." "Well, Mulder, maybe you shouldn't believe everything *you hear*!" she yelled angrily. "For your information, these are a very safe brand. I'm a doctor--I should know." He was taken back by her outburst. "I'm sorry, Scully..." She could tell he was hurt by her response. She mentally kicked herself. *Way to go, Dana. Just hit your partner into the ground a little more than you already have. He's just concerned for your well-being.* Weakly surrendering, she said, "No, Mulder, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to yell at you like that." He put a hand up. "It's OK, Scully, really...You know I ask you these things because I care." Her heart went out to him. He cared so much, and what was she doing to him? She was lying straight to his face. He trusted her to tell the truth, and she was betraying him. She felt her throat constrict with repressed pain and tears. He needed to leave before she lost it... She put the tea down, avoiding his eyes, and turned away from him on her side. "Scully?" he asked in concern. "Mulder..." she said through strained tears. "I'm sorry, but I really need to rest right now. If you want to stay, you can, but I won't be the best hostess this afternoon." He stood up, feeling rather rejected. "No, I-I should head back to work...I'll call you later, Scully." And before she could respond, he was gone. *** Mulder drove from her apartment feeling incredibly down. She seemed to be more than angry at him...but he only went to see her because he cared for her so much...loved her so much. *Yes, I can safely say now that I do love Dana Scully. She's the part that makes me whole* *Does she know those things about you, Mulder? Or are you too scared to tell her?* *What does it matter now anyway? She basically gave me the brush off today. What else can I do?* *For now, let her deal with this problem alone. That's what she wants after all...* *** The next few months passed without incident. Scully felt all right most of the time, thanks to her pills. She noticed that Mulder no longer questioned her behavior or obvious exhaustion. She was silently grateful for that fact. She continued to lose weight at an alarming rate. In the last five months, she had lost a total of forty pounds. She was very aware of the drastic weight loss, but her mind kept telling her it wasn't enough. One day, she was overcome with panic...It was as if she suddenly realized she could die from this condition. In a frenzy, she ran to her kitchen and found a can of pears. Opening up the can and taking a spoonful of the fruit to her mouth, her hand suddenly stopped--and her mind took over. She couldn't convince herself to take just one bite. "Please," she yelled to no one in particular. "I need to eat!" Defeated, she threw the spoon into the sink. The false perception of herself she had won yet another battle... *** The worst case of the shakes she experience occurred at work around the sixth month. She was calmly sitting at her desk, reading a file, when her fingers--and eventually her hands--started to shake. *STOP IT!!!* she commanded her body, pressing her hands between her knees. Mulder looked up at her. She was looking down beyond the desk with wide eyes. An alarm went off in his head. And for the first time in two months, he questioned her. "Scully, is everything OK?" Snapping her head up, she looked at him with round, shocked eyes. He got up from his chair and crossed to her desk in one stride. He looked down and saw her hands violently trembling under the desk. He rounded the desk, knelt down beside her, and grabbed her hands. Holding them as her body shook everywhere, he watched a wave of fear crash over her features. The quakes ended as fast as they came, and she remained absolutely still with his hands still grasping hers. "Scully?" he questioned, feeling a tightness in his throat. She focused on him for only a minute...his concern and worry washing over her--calming her. "It's all right, Mulder. I just sometimes get these shakes...it's because I am so tired." Mulder shook his head in disbelief. "Scully, if this fatigue is getting to the point where you are having these little seizures, you should get yourself checked out." "No!" she protested a little too loudly. "I am a doctor, Mulder, I think I can take care of myself." She stood up and pulled away from his as if nothing had happened. "If you'll excuse me, I have to use the restroom." After she had left, he felt guilty for showing his concern. It was obvious she didn't want him to do anything for her...and he regretted butting in again. In the bathroom, Scully pulled her pills from her pocket and swallowed three. It was an extra tablet than usual, but she had to make sure she didn't have another episode in front of Mulder. As the work day came to a close around 8:30 PM, Scully packed up and got ready to leave. "Dana?" she heard Mulder call just as she was about to walk out the door. "Do you want to go to a late dinner?" She turned and offered him a bright smile. "No, Mulder, I'm sorry, but I need to get home." "Are you sure you are all right?" "Yes, Mulder!" And before he could say anything else, she was out the door. Instead of driving directly home, Mulder followed Scully home, keeping a safe distance from her car, so he wouldn't get caught. He always had a nagging feeling that she made up these excuses practically every night because she was seeing someone else and didn't want him to know. However, it wasn't a surprise to him when she did indeed turn down her street, for it was just like any other night. *You, idiot...if she knew you follow her home every night, she would kill you...* He sat in shadow and watched her walk into her apartment. *** The short distance from the apartment complex's front door to her own front door was no more than four yards. Tonight, though, it seemed like so much more... *Just a few more feet* she encouraged herself. As she got to the door, she leaned heavily against it's adjacent wall and pulled out her keys. *Just a little further...* >>>>Dana Scully managed to get through her front door before her knees buckled beneath her, and she fell hard to the floor. Waves of nausea consumed her as she laid down flat on her back. The world drifted slowly around her as she fought to stay conscious. All she could feel was her head pounding in tandem with the beating of her heart......<<<< Present Time June 29, 1997 9:46 AM Mulder knocked once at the door--then twice--then three times. There was still no response. He pulled his key ring from his pocket and found his partner's key. Unlocking both locks, he slowly opened the door and peered inside. Everything was quiet. The living room seemed to be in order, but there was no sign of Scully. Stepping inside, he called for her. "Scully?" No response. He crept inside her bedroom and found her asleep on top of her comforter, still dressed in her work clothes. "Scully?" he called again. She laid there motionless. He bent down in front of her and studied her face. With minimal make-up, he saw dark lines and shadows cast across her features. Her lips were drawn into a thin, bloodless frown. A small cut stretched across her chin--dried blood caking the skin. *How did she get that?* He took both her shoulders in his hands and shook. "Scully? Dana? Wake up!" Ever so slowly, she shifted into consciousness. Her pale blue eyes opened and looked at him in confusion. "Mulder?" she said, her voice cracking from a dry throat. "What are you doing here?" He stroked her upper arm. "You didn't show up for work again, Scully. I got worried and tried to call you, but you didn't pick up. So, I came out to see if everything was all right...Everything is all right, isn't it?" She nodded, still exhausted. She tried to say something, but her throat was so dry, she could not. He noticed what was wrong. "Let me get you a glass of water." He walked into the kitchen and almost stepped on a blueberry muffin that was on the floor. He bent down to pick it up. *What is this?* He set it on the table and went to wash his sticky hands, noticing a blotch of blood on the floor below the sink. *Scully's blood* he concluded. *What did she do?* With the water in hand, Mulder walked back into her bedroom to see her staring absentmindedly out her window. He pitied the poor woman in front of him. She looked so lost and alone at that moment. Exhaustion had gotten the most of her. He wasn't sure, but he thought he saw streaks of dry tears trailing down her face. "Here you go," he said putting it in her trembling hand. She took a long drink of the cool beverage and muttered a thank you. At that moment, he decided to question her about the things he found in the kitchen. It seemed that every time he saw her, he was always questioning her about her actions and moods. He knew before even attempting an inquiry that she would be angry over it. He knelt down beside her on the bed and ooked into her eyes. "Dana?" he swallowed hard. "When I was in the kitchen getting the water, I found a blueberry muffin on the floor and a spot of what I think is your blood below the sink? Can you tell me how they got there?" She looked horrified that he had seen the remnants of the night before. *What must he be thinking? Oh, no, why didn't I clean those things up sooner?* Out loud she said, "Uh...well...the muffin must have somehow rolled off the table, because that's where I put it last night." His face was unemotional. "And the blood?" "Oh, the blood was from an accident last night," she pointed to her chin. "I cut myself on the corner of a cupboard when I was trying to reach something. I must not have noticed that some of the blood got on the floor." He knew by her unconvincing tone of voice that she was definitely lying to him...again. Numerous times before, he had dismissed her little white lies as defense mechanisms. She didn't want him to know how she was feeling at certain times, and he respected her privacy. But this time, something in him snapped, and he was finally sick and tired about hearing her excuses. Jumping up from the bed, he pointed an accusing finger at her. "Don't you tell me that, Dana Scully, because I know you're lying through your teeth! Dammit, Dana! Why can't you be honest with me?!" "Mul--" she tried to interrupt, but he cut her off. "No! No! You are not allowed to speak." He started pacing the room. "For months now, I've noticed something has been wrong with you. You're moody, irritable, and reclusive..." He heard her snort in shock at the last word. "Yes, Dana, you heard me--reclusive. You never talk to me, or anybody for that matter, anymore unless it is absolutely necessary! You never go out with friends! You haven't seen your mother in I don't know how many months! You just stay in this apartment all the time!" In a flash, she bounded off the bed and jumped right into his face. She was mad--no, worse than mad--absolutely, positively infuriated with him. "How do YOU know what I do after hours?!?!" "I've been following you home," he said honestly. "Just to see what you do all the time when you refuse to go to dinner with me." Her eyes grew wide in disbelief. Anger and betrayal flushed her skin. "You mean you're spying on me now?!" "Yes, I've been spying on you!" he said, grabbing the lapels of her suit coat. "But only because I'm concerned about you!" She roughly freed herself from his grasp. "No, that's not it at all. You were just paranoid about me spending time with someone else other than you. You know what you are, Fox Mulder? You're POSSESSIVE! You can't deal with the fact that I might have a life outside of the X-Files. You just want to drag me down with you, so you're sure you will never be alone. Well, let me tell you something--I am sick of this, and I'm sick of you! I want out!" He went towards her again and grabbed her upper arms. His eyes were wide with a mixture of shock, anger, and pain. "You have no idea what you're talking about, Scully! You can't see the honest concern I have for you. You're my partner, dammit! 'You are the only one I trust'--remember that line, Scully? I just didn't say it to sound needy. I truly meant it! I try so hard to give you a shoulder to cry on when you need it, but all you do is build walls up higher and higher around yourself!!! In case you've forgotten, you're a human being--you can't keep your feelings to yourself forever!" He angrily squeezed arms for emphasis and was taken back when he could easily loop his fingers over the entire circumference of each one. *What the hell?* he thought, looking at his fingers. *How is this possible?* He turned his head and looked at her. Tears filled her eyes as she realized he knew... "Dana?" he whispered in a strangled whisper. "What is this?" She turned one of her elbows inward and hit him hard in the gut. He let her go reflexively to clutch his stomach. "NOOOO!" she screamed wildly. "You stay away from me!!!" His eyes filled with tears. "What have you done to yourself?" "No, no," she sobbed and shook her head, holding him away with an outstretched hand. "Please, please don't come near me!" He turned from her, too shocked to look at her. His fears of what she had done to herself had to be proven. He had to see more of her. In a flash of movement, Mulder spun around and pushed her against a wall. "STOP IT, MULDER!" she tried to push him away, but he was too strong for her. He quickly unbuttoned her suit coat and grasped her waist underneath it. He ran his hands over her sides and stomach. *Nothing! There's nothing there!* As if not believing what his hands told him, he grasped her thin blouse and pulled it from her trousers. Her eyes widened in shock. *How dare he invade my personal space like this!* Lifting the shirt up to view her torso, he almost fainted at the sight. He could have counted every last one of her ribs. Her stomach sunk in; it was so small, he could have easily put both his hands around it. His gaze moved up her body and saw her clavicles protruding grotesquely from her shoulders. She was a skeleton..that's the only way he could describe it--just skin and bones. "Ohhhhhhhh, Scullllly, noooooo," he openly let the tears fall. She was crying too but with tears of shame. Too weak to fight with him anymore, she no longer tried to free herself. He let go of his death grip on her. Slipping to sit on the floor, he covered his face with his hands. "How could you? How could you?" he kept repeating to her. "Mulder..." she said through sobs. "I'm fine." He was on his knees and pulled her standing form to him--his face pressed against her nonexistent stomach. "No, no, you're not," he squeezed her tightly. "Can't you see what you've done to yourself?" He could feel the anger rising again. He reached up and took her face in his trembling hands. "You're killing yourself, Dana!" "I just need to be alone..." He jumped to his feet in a fit of rage. *How could she be so stubborn!!!* He hit the wall hard. His fist made a dent in the plastered surface. He looked up to see her slowly backing towards her bathroom. She turned into the room and slammed the door just as he was about to make a lunge for her. Pounding on the door, he screamed, "Scully, don't shut me out! You need help! DON'T DO THIS!!!" "Go away, Mulder...please.." he heard her whimper. "Like hell I will," was his only response. Inside the bathroom, Scully had curled herself into a little ball, trembling and sobbing softly. *I did not plan this to happen. He will never forgive me for this. Oh--* She felt her stomach convulse and she vomited streams of bile into the toilet. A sour taste formed in her mouth as she retched again. He heard her throwing up and pounded on the door again. "Please, Scully, let me in! Let me help you!" "Nooooo..." she moaned in between heavy gasps. He felt defeated. She did not want him there. His heart sunk to his stomach and he collapsed against the bathroom's door frame. She had just written her own death sentence. He had to get through to her somehow... "Scully...you can't do this. You're committing suicide...You can't die like this...I need you with me...I-I love you so much, and it kills me to see this happening to you..." In the bathroom, she heard his ragged surrender and confession. She pressed her hands against her mouth and tried to suppress a strangled cry of grief. *** Forty-five minutes later, they were still in the same positions on the floor--Scully against the inside bathroom door frame and Mulder against the outside. She had not spoken to him since he had told her he loved her. She felt her heart clench in pain every time she thought about what he had said. She had lied to him for almost six months...and now his confession of love made her shake to the bone with guilt. She gently got on her hands and knees and turned the doorknob. When the door opened, she could see him asleep against wall, his knees drawn up and his head resting on his arms. She shakily reached out and placed her hand on his knee. It was too much for her, and she felt the tears start again. He snapped his head up the moment he felt something warm touch him to find himself staring into her swollen eyes. The hand on his knee gripped him hard--so much that her nails dug painfully into his skin. He watched her fight for control as she got ready to speak, but it was to no avail. She sobbed loudly as she came to rest her head on the tops of his knees and hug his calves forcefully. "Mul-de-r..." she spoke through little gasps. "P-Please...I...need...your...hel-p..." Her last word brought with it a flood of tears--tears that told him she had broken her own walls down and surrendered to him. He reached out and pulled her small frame into his lap. He held her like a small child--for that's all she was anymore--and stroked her hair and face. Eventually, she wrapped her arms around his torso and squeezed him tightly against her. The tears came and went for both of them as they held each other. While he rocked her back and forth, he whispered words of promise and love to her. "Don't you worry, Dana. We'll get through this together--I promise." She let his words soothe her to sleep. *He is here now, Dana, and he loves you...You will not walk this path alone anymore...* Title: "Into the Black Abyss II: Coming Back" Author: Lavinia Paige (Lavinia627@aol.com) Rating: PG Classification: SRA Keywords: Mulder/Scully romance Summary: Mulder must help Scully deal with her life-threatening disorder. I'm back folks with part two of "Into the Black Abyss." I hope you enjoy it. If you haven't read the first part of this story, go find it! Otherwise, you won't really understand this one. WARNING: Part two also deals with anorexia nervosa. Scully and Mulder angst reaches its peak here. So if you think the dynamic duo are made of stone, I advise you not to read this. Now, I've gotten many comments on the first part of this story stating that Scully would not really act this way. Believe me, I know that, folks. I am just writing a story, and I personally don't think the characterization has to be totally accurate for fanfic...at least, my fanfic :). So, again, if you don't like reading about Mulder and Scully acting mushy , do not read the story. Disclaimer: All characters used in this work of fiction belong to Chris Carter, 1013 Productions, and Fox. I'm just using them in a scenario that WOULD NEVER HAPPEN on the series. PLEASE send all comments to: Lavinia627@aol.com ***I should mention that the doctor's definition of anorexia nervosa is copied verbatim from *The New Grolier Multimedia Encyclopedia* and was written by Herbert Weiner, M.D. Also, some of the symptoms of anorexia nervosa I wrote of are made up. They *could* possibly be real, but I have no medical text to back them up. _______________________________________________________ "Coming Back" *Don't you worry, Dana. We'll get through this together--I promise* *** "Anorexia nervosa," the doctor pointedly explained, "is a psychosomatic disorder characterized by self-starvation. It occurs most commonly among adolescent females but is also observed in older women and in men. The disorder may appear when a young woman leaves home, or it may develop in connection with mental depression, peer pressure to lose weight, sexual temptation, the use of psychedelic drugs, or the discontinuance of oral contraceptives..." Mulder listened intently to the doctor's explanation as he sat on the hospital bed with Scully. Looking down at her, he saw her staring blankly at their joined hands. Giving her frail hand a little squeeze, he saw her look up at him with a far away look in her eyes. He gave her a reassuring smile and turned his attention back to the doctor. He wanted--no, needed--to know everything about this terrifying disease that was killing his partner--his friend--his love. "At the outset, the patient either stops menstruating or simply refuses to eat. She may lose weight to the point of life-threatening exhaustion. The patient sleeps poorly but, despite weight loss, remains physically active and believes she is much fatter than she actually is..." He glanced down at her small body. She was not much bigger than a twelve year old kid. His heart ached as a little wave of shivers rippled through her body. He knew this was one of the symptoms of anorexia she would face--the doctor had already explained that. But still, reading and hearing about the disorder was completely different than experiencing it firsthand. "The symptoms may suggest that anorexia nervosa may sometimes be associated with a disorder of the hypothalamus, a region of the brain that regulated menstruation, eating, body temperature, and sleep. About half of all anorexic patients recover permanently. About ten percent die of self-starvation, and the rest have repeated relapses." The doctor looked up from his reading to the two people on the bed, "Are there any questions?" "No, I don't think so..." Mulder answered for them both. "Thank you, doctor." He nodded, closing Scully's medical folder. "We will initiate the second sustenance IV in about an hour." When the door had shut and they were finally alone, Mulder shifted to put his arm around her shoulders. Her eyes were still blank from emotion. "You OK, Dana?" he asked, kissing the top of her head. She finally responded with a whimper and buried her face in his chest. "I don't like it here, Mulder," she said with the voice of a scared child. "It frightens me. The doctors scare me, too. And I am sick of this IV in my arm all the time." He stoked her hair. "I know it's hard, baby. But listen, I'm here, and I'm not going anywhere...so don't be afraid." "How long will I have to stay here?" "Until you're *aaall* better." He found himself talking to her as if she really was just a child. "But...will I get better?" she asked, pulling away from him and looking him straight in the eye. He took in a quick breath. "Of course you will! Don't think that way!" He tried to lighten the mood she had just created. "Anyway, I already told you I can't live without you, so you have no choice but to get better." A small smile graced her features, and his heart leapt with joy. To see her smile during this trying time was truly a gift from God. She tucked herself back in the crook of his arm and yawned. "I'm so sleepy..." "Then go to sleep, Dana. I will be right here when you wake up." Needing no more encouragement, she closed her eyes and was asleep within minutes. Just as he was about to join her in a much needed rest, the door slowly opened, and the pale face of Margaret Scully appeared from outside the room. Maggie scanned the room, her gaze finally resting on Fox Mulder holding her tiny daughter in his strong arms. "Fox?" she asked, timidly walking into the room. "Come in, Mrs. Scully." He motioned for her to enter. "You just missed, Dana. She was awake a few minutes ago." Maggie reached out and stroked her daughter's forearm. "My poor baby..." Tears flooded her eyes as her lower lip trembled. "Ohhh, Fox...I had no idea. Why didn't I see this?" Mulder grasped her hand. "Dana made it a point to avoid both you and me. She didn't want *anybody* to know...It's not your fault you didn't see it." She nodded slowly, looking directly at him. "And you know it's not your fault either, right, Fox?" Turning his gaze from her, he found her words searing a hole in his heart. She was right, it wasn't his fault. Every time he thought of this woman in his arms, though, he couldn't help to think that he should have noticed sooner...that he could have done something to prevent this...that he should have been more sensitive to her feelings. So in a way, he *did* feel it was his fault. Maggie noticed right away that he did indeed think it was his fault. "Fox Mulder," she said sternly, "don't you dare go blaming yourself! I know that's what you're thinking right now. Dana doesn't need you to do this to yourself. She needs your complete attention--to focus on the situation at hand--and nothing more." He nodded, silently thanking her for trying to diminish his doubtful thoughts. Sitting on the other side of the bed, Maggie took her daughter's hand. *I never thought this could happen to my baby girl. Anorexia...such a horrible word...she shouldn't have to face this* "What is her condition right now?" Mulder swallowed hard. "Not good, Mrs. Scully. The, um, doctors can't determine if she will recover yet. They are constantly giving her liquids, and every two hours they give her food nutrients through her IV. Since we got here late last night, the doctors have administered every type of test, and it is definitely a severe case of anorexia nervosa--" She stopped him. "But how is she doing emotionally, Fox?" "That I can't really figure out. She is here in body when the doctors talk to us about the anorexia, but I don't know if she is listening. She has regressed to talking like child, Mrs. Scully. It is probably some type of adjustment mechanism...she doesn't like this environment at all. She is scared to be left alone for two minutes--that is definitely not her normal behavior." Before he could continue, Scully began to restlessly shift in the bed. Her eyes blinked open, momentarily confused. "Dana, honey?" Maggie whispered, pushing the hair away from her forehead. "Mom..." she rasped, still not fully conscious. "Yes, baby, it's me. How are you feeling?" Her lower lip trembled, and a fresh batch of tears formed in her eyes. "Not so good...I'm so sorry, Mom..." Mulder extracted himself from his partner as gently as he could as Mrs. Scully drew her into a loving mother-to-child embrace. "Shhhh," she rocked her limp body, "it's OK, sweety, I'm hear..." Mulder watched as Mrs. Scully soothed her only living daughter. He felt tears prickle his eyes at the affection the woman expressed. She was full of so much love. It was not just love for Dana, but a love for him, too. She gave him the compassion and caring that he never received from his own mother. And now, he knew that love would help save Dana. At that moment, Dr. Roberts knocked and opened the door simultaneously. "Mr. Mulder, could I speak to you for a minute?" Mulder nodded and turned towards the two women. "Um...I'll be back in a few minutes." Maggie nodded as he turned to leave the room. Doctor Eugene Roberts, Scully's regular doctor since her abduction, stood outside of the room. "Mr. Mulder, I feel I should talk to you away from Dana." "All right, doctor...what is this about?" Roberts motioned to two chairs across the hall. Sitting down, Mulder noticed the obvious apprehension in the doctor's face. He seemed really worried and had trouble looking Mulder in the eye. "Mr. Mulder, I feel I must let you know some things about this condition--things Dana should not hear." Mulder nodded, eager for him to continue. "Anorexia nervosa is in itself a physical problem... However, it is classified as a mental disorder. Even today, we don't truly understand what goes on in the heads of the inflicted. We do know that the patient's mind will tell her to not eat, and she can do nothing to change her mind. When she looks into the mirror, she will see herself as fat, when in reality she does not have an ounce of fat on her. Eventually, the patient will become so skinny, her face, arms, and legs will begin to swell. This adds to the psychosis even more. Thankfully, we have gotten to Dana before this occurred..." "Now, as you know, Dana has been given food through an IV. However, in the next few days, we have to start feeding her *real* food. The food we give her at first will not be anything you and I would care to eat; it will basically be like baby food--strained and soft, something that will go down the esophagus with ease..." Roberts paused and allowed Mulder to absorb all the information. "Doctor," he spoke just as the doctor was going to continue. "Why are you telling me this information in Scully's absence? I mean, it doesn't seem like anything we haven't already heard." "On the contrary, Mr. Mulder, it is quite different from what you were both told. You have to understand that Dana will not be cooperative in our endeavors to give her actual food. Right now, the IV is giving her nourishment, but her mind isn't registering that she is being fed. When we attempt to feed her orally, she will definitely put up a fight." Mulder's brow furrowed. "It seems to me that she would take the food in an effort to get better." Dr. Roberts shook his head. "She no longer has the will to do that. The disease has so warped her thinking, she cannot make *right* decisions anymore. Someone will have to make those decisions for her--mainly, the nurses and myself." Mulder remained silent for a few moments. He felt a dull ache in the pit of his stomach. *Dana no longer has the will to get better? How can that be? She was always so strong--this can't be happening to her* *But you know that this Dana Scully is not the same. She is different. She cries at the bat of an eye, she talks like a child, she needs to be held, she is scared to be alone...the list goes on and on* *I don't know this Dana Scully...* Suddenly, he became aware that the doctor was trying to get his attention. "Mr. Mulder?" he asked for the third time. His head snapped up. "Yes...sorry...uh, what is it?" "I was just saying that is all I needed to say right now. You're free to go back in." He stood up, his mind in a haze. "Yes, thank you, doctor." As he approached the door to her room, he felt something he had never felt before. He suddenly realized he was genuinely terrified of her. She was not his Scully--she was an aberration, an abomination of what she used to be. She has no will to exist, no will to listen, and no will to love... *No, not your Scully* And it scared the hell out of him. *** He watched as she slowly opened her eyes from a late afternoon nap. Smiling down at her, he took her hand in his. "Hey, sleepyhead...how's it going?" She returned the smile. "All right, because you're here." "Wow, Scully, you really know how to boost a man's ego," he said, laughing out loud. His genuine laugh was suddenly punctuated by a loud growling sound. It filled the room for a few seconds and then disappeared. Scully's eyebrow furrowed slightly as she tried to place the sound. Then she knew what it was. "Mulder...I heard that. When was the last time you have eaten?" He looked away from her, obviously embarrassed. When was the last time he had eaten? He had no idea. "Come on, Scully, that was nothing...I'm OK, really." Shaking her head, she sat up in the bed. She was not buying it. He had to eat. "Fox Mulder, I will never speak to you again if you don't march straight down to the cafeteria this instant and eat something." To emphasize her threat, she turned slightly away from him. He knew he would not win this battle. One thing that wasn't different about this Dana Scully was the fact that she was stubborn. Standing up and releasing her hand, he couldn't resist. "Well, well, isn't it ironic that *you* are the one telling me to eat..." he smirked. The instant he said it, he regretted it. He watched as her face slowly twisted in pain. *Uh oh...you really screwed up this time, Mulder...* Scully turned farther away from him, trying to stop the tears. It didn't work. She covered her face with her hands, unable to control the sobbing. He immediately put his arms around her. "Oh, Dana, I am *so* sorry...I was so stupid to say that...please don't cry, baby, that was very poor taste on my part...I swear I didn't mean anything by it...oh, please, look at me Scully..." When she finally looked up at him, he felt a wave of both relief and guilt. *Not your Scully* Finally speaking, she said, "It's OK, Mulder..I-I deserved that..." "No, no--you absolutely did not. Please forgive me, Dana. I never meant to hurt you. I was trying to be funny, but I guess it didn't work." "I forgive you," she said without hesitation. "Thank you..." he said, kissing her lightly on the forehead. "Um, I can understand if you never want to talk to me again." She looked meaningfully into his eyes. "I have to talk to you. You are the only one who is keeping me sane, Mulder. I need you." She hugged him affectionately. He held her for a long time before he spoke. "It seems like anything I say anymore ruins the lives of those I love," he muttered, more to himself than her. Looking up, she gave him a strange look. "What do you mean by that?" It would be so easy to brush the subject away with an "oh it means nothing," but he realized he had to be honest. Trust and honesty was the bond that would keep them together. He had to tell her... "Dana..." he hesitantly began, "I've been thinking about your problem long and hard the last couple of days. Mainly, I've tried to figure out why I didn't notice sooner." She started to say something, but he silenced her with a finger to her lips. "No, please let me finish. As I said before, I wanted to know why I didn't notice your problem before I did. But more than that, I wracked my brain for the 'when' and 'why' this happened in the first place. I mean, Scully, you are a doctor, and I know that you realize that what you were doing was wrong..." He had to pause for a moment. He was starting to feel a deep ache settle into his chest and throat. This was going to be difficult. "So, I thought back, going over every time we spent together, trying to discover when this actually occurred...and then I remembered something." He looked down at his hands. This hurt so bad. To think that all of this was his fault. "Dana, I remember now what I said to you that night six months ago in the diner. I made a big fuss over amounts of fat in a salad...and I remember saying that all women usually feel conscious about how much food they eat a day. I-I never realized how hard that hit you...I-I can't believe all this time it has been my--" "No!" she interjected harshly. "Don't say it, Fox. Please don't blame yourself." Pain shadowed his features. "But, Dana, what I said..." "No," she said a little softer. "What you said was not what made me sick." *Blast his photographic memory!* She thought about her next words before she spoke. There were two options. She could either totally lie and tell him it had nothing to do with what he said, or she could tell him the truth... In the end, she opted for the truth. It would hurt for her to tell him, but she could never lie to him again. "I admit," she let out a breath. "I admit that it was partially what you said." She held a hand up. "But let me finish. Mulder, what you said made me self conscious inside, but only briefly. And then when the waitress came to our table, I saw the things she had that I didn't. I thought those things were more important to you than other things. I wasn't thinking logically, Mulder. That night after dinner, I decided to go on a small diet. I knew it wouldn't make me taller or bustier, but I thought it would make me feel better. As the weeks passed, I wasn't feeling better about myself. The weight just kept dropping. I became paranoid that you would find out...I was so afraid to see anyone...it became a horrible secret that I had to keep within myself. At first, I could have possibly done it to make myself more attractive to you. After a while, though, I didn't want you to even look at me." Little tears collected around her eyes as she looked up at him. "I would rather die than watch you blame yourself for this. You showed your concern all throughout those months, and I pushed you away. *I* did this to myself, not you--not anyone--but me." He took her face in his hands. "Dana, you have always been beautiful to me--from the moment I first laid eyes on you. I *never* want you to forget that. You say you did this to yourself, and I am trying to believe that. The only thing I know for sure, though, is that *we* will make you better." Smiling through tears, she gave him a huge bear hug. *He loves you so much, Dana* After a few moments of silence, she pulled away, preparing to lighten the moment. "Now, Mulder, don't think I forgot. Go to lunch now, before I have a nurse personally escort you there." He stood up again, whining the entire time. "OK, OK, warden, I'm going." "Ha, ha very funny." He squeezed her hand lightly and walked to the door, turning around to see her one last time. "I'll be back soon. Don't go anywhere." "I'll be waiting." *** Lunch at the hospital cafeteria was pretty uneventful. When he had entered, the crowd was just clearing out. He had gotten a ham sandwich and a soda out of the vending machines and eaten in silence. The meal had helped his hunger, and he trusted his stomach would not be making noises again for a while. He felt better now that he had talked to her about how she first got sick. Her explanation still bothered him, though. It was as if she was trying very hard not to place the blame. He knew she would be furious if she knew he still had doubts. Hopefully, they would be able to talk about it when she was fully recovered. As he walked back to Dana's room, he felt a strange air all around him. It was as if something was wrong--something was going to happen. Suddenly, loud cries of anguish echoed through the halls and filled his ears. It took him only seconds to realize they were coming from Dana's room. "No, NO! Stop please!" he heard her strangled cry. He barreled down the hallway towards the door, utterly convinced that someone had a knife to her and was about to skin her alive. Rounding the corner, he stopped dead in his tracks. What he saw shocked him. Two frustrated nurses stood before Dana's bed. The first nurse was trying to hold Dana's wrists to the side of her body while the second was speaking to her. Dana, for her part, would not listen. She kept shaking her head and saying 'no'. She tried to pull free of the first nurse's grasp but was having no success. The old Scully could have easily taken the pudgy woman, but this Scully was too weak to do much of anything--except scream. Mulder did not stay stationary for too long. Before he knew it, he was in the room. "What is going on here?!" he demanded from anyone who would choose to answer. Scully heard him right away. "MULDER!" she yelled. "GET THEM AWAY FROM ME!!!" He made eye contact with her. Her face had grown bright red, and she was trembling with anger and...fear? *She looks terrified!* "Nurse!" he spoke a little louder. "Can you please tell me what the hell you are doing to her?!" The woman who did not have the task of holding Scully turned around and faced him. She looked annoyed at the fact he was interrupting. "All we are trying to do, *sir*, is feed Miss Scully. However, she is not cooperating, as you can see." He suddenly understood. Peering around the nurse, he saw a small dish of untouched orangish goop on the bedside table. He had almost forgotten the conversation he had with Dr. Roberts. *The doctor said she would resist* *The doctor said she has no will to eat* *The doctor said she needs to do this to live* "I didn't know Dr. Roberts was going to start feeding her today." "Well, he had to start earlier than expected," she said sharply. "Why?" "Because Miss Scully has not gotten enough nutrients from the IV. Her body is not improving fast enough. The situation is becoming critical." His heart dropped to his stomach. *Critical? So soon?* All he could do was nod. The nurse turned back to her job. Picking up the dish, she spooned out a small portion of the *goop* and held it up before Scully. "Now, I'm going to say this once again, Miss Scully. Would you please open your mouth and swallow this." Scully rapidly shook her head, staring at Mulder. She kicked in rage as the nurse inched closer. Opening her mouth wide to scream, the uniformed woman took the opportunity to shove the spoon into her mouth. "NOOOO!" Scully shrieked, spitting the food back out. It flew and splattered directly onto the nurse's clean white shirt. Mulder intervened before the situation got any more out of hand. "Excuse me? Could you please let her go for a minute?" he forcefully removed the first nurse's hands from Dana's wrists. "May I please have a moment alone with her?" he asked politely. "Sir, I'm sorry, but I don't think--" He cut her off angrily. *I have no patience for this* "All I need are a few damn minutes!" Both nurses nodded and backed out of the room, one of them wrinkling her nose as she attempted to wipe the food from her clothing. As soon as they were gone, he turned around and stared into her eyes. She was sobbing softly, hiccuping every few seconds. Meeting his gaze, she waited for him to say something. Sighing softly, he walked over to her bed. "Dana, do you want to tell me what that was just about?" She could not tell what he was feeling inside. His expression was blank. She could feel the grief choking her again. "Ohhhh, Mulder," she whimpered. "I was trying to sleep...when they came in...they woke me up...said it was time to eat...I got so scared when they said that...I didn't know what to do...I felt trapped and alone..." He reached out and pushed away the tears that streamed down her cheeks. "They wouldn't let me think...they held me down...told me I had better eat or they would make me...Oh, Mulder, I was so terrified...I couldn't even look at the food..." After a few minutes of silence, he pulled her into his arms. Running his fingers through her hair, he realized he had to calm her down, because the two women would be back soon. "You are OK now...I'm here," He rubbed the small of her back. "I'm sorry I wasn't here. I would have been if I had known Dr. Roberts was going to do this today." She jerked her head up to look at his face. "So you knew they were going to feed me?" she asked incredulously. "Yes, yes I did. The doctor explained to me that you would need to do this soon, but I didn't realize it would be *this* soon." Withdrawing from his hold, her brows furrowed in anger. "You mean to tell me that you knew about this the whole time and you didn't tell me?" "Scully, I only did it--" She cut him off. "I can't believe it. I just cannot believe that you would do this behind my back! What else did you two talk about without me?!" *It's the disease talking, Mulder, not Scully* "I thought I could trust you! You didn't tell me this was coming!" "Dana, please, let me explain..." Pushing him away from her, she turned and talked to the wall. "No, I don't want to see you right now...just leave me alone..." He stood up from the bed. "No, I am not going to leave you, especially when those nurses will be back any minute now." She let out a bitter laugh. "I am sure as hell not going to let them in here again. There is no way they are going to give me any of that crap." Anger was quickly rising in him, making the blood pump faster in his veins and his pulse quicken. These impromptu mood swings of hers were making him lose all patience he had developed over the past few days. She just had to be so incredibly stubborn. Grabbing her by the shoulders, he roughly pulled her so their faces were almost touching. "Do you honestly think that what you want matters here, Dana? They are not going to listen to you. They will *make* you eat. Believe me, you gave up your will to make decisions as soon as you set foot in this hospital!" With that, he let her go and stormed out of the room. He couldn't deal with this right now. It hurt too badly. Leaning against the outside door frame, he thought of something she had said earlier: *You are the only one who is keeping me sane, Mulder. I need you* He sighed heavily, feeling the now familiar wave of guilt crash against his heart. *She needs you and look what you've done. Your anger has hurt her. You lost control too easily. You can't be this unstable around her* At that moment, the nurses decided to make an appearance. "Well, sir, now we do have to do our job." "Stop!" he said suddenly, afraid that Scully would find a way to kill them if they attempted to go back into her room. "Please, can you wait until I talk to Dr. Roberts?" "Sir, I *am* sorry, but we have specific orders." "Please...I need to see him before you do it. I might have a way to make Dana cooperate." The nurses must have seen the look of worry in his eyes, because they finally agreed. "We will contact Dr. Roberts immediately." While he waited for the doctor, Mulder decided he had to face the music. He had to go back into that room. Stepping inside quietly, he saw her curled on her side in a fetal position. She was not asleep, but she did not look up at him. He sat down in the chair beside the bed, silently waiting until she was ready to talk. Scully, for her part, had sensed his presence when he sat down. She was so angry--more at herself than at him. The anorexia had totally changed her. She was acting like a baby--refusing food, spitting at the nurses, crying every other minute. She did not like these new aspects of her personality, but there was no way she could change them. *Not without him* The realization that she could not help herself but had to be helped made her more angry. All through her life, she didn't have to take from anyone. She was independent and hard as stone. No one broke her and rarely had she ever succumbed to pressure. Now, though, she had to rely on others for everything. She was even too weak to get up and go to the bathroom by herself. Mulder was there now, more than willing to help. But she didn't want it, did she? His anger over her recent behavior was understandable, but he didn't realize what it was truly like for her. He startled her from her thoughts when he spoke. "Scully, I know that you don't want me to be here right now..." *Oh, but I do, Mulder* "But I just can't leave you after I lost my temper like that. I'm sorry that I lost control." "*You* are not the one who lost control, Mulder," he heard her muffled response. An uncomfortable silence filled the room. He thought it best to wait it out. Turning around to face him, Scully reflexively avoided his eyes. "I should not have acted like such a baby back there. I know the nurses were only following orders. It is just so hard to explain the panic that consumed me when I saw that food." He nodded, understanding how the psychosis worked. To eat was the right thing to do, but to actually do it seemed horrific. "I've been thinking about my control, Mulder, and I realize now that I can't be independent anymore. After you saw that I was ill, I thought I could surrender my will to yours. But my behavior has suggested that I have not done it yet..." She met his gaze. "It is just so hard to give up control when you have had it your entire life." "I know," he said, touching her arm. "You have always been strong, Scully. So much stronger than me. And I can't imagine the hurt you must be feeling. I just want you to know that no one is condemning you for giving up a little control, especially not me." Before either of them could speak further, the door opened and the face of Dr. Roberts appeared. "Mr. Mulder, you wanted to speak to me?" "Yes, doctor, please come in. I want Dana to be here while we talk." Dr. Roberts sat down on the other side of the bed, looking at Scully. "Dana, I heard you have refused to eat. You know that is not good." "Doctor," Mulder interjected, "that is what I wanted to talk to you about. I was wondering if I could personally feed Dana her meals. To have a familiar person do it for her might make her feel more comfortable with it." It actually seemed as if the doctor considered his words. But in the end, he shook his head fervently. "I'm sorry, Mr. Mulder, but I don't think that is an option. You see, it is strict hospital policy that our faculty feed her meals. I wouldn't want to jeopardize that policy." "But, doctor," he protested, "can't you make an exception?" "I'm sorry..." was his only response. "No, doctor, I don't think you understand." He stood up to address the man. "Dana has adamantly refused to take food from your nurses, and I can understand why. They are rude, using force instead of compassion. Personally, I believe they need a refresher course in bedside manner." The doctor just looked at him. *How can I get through to this man?* "Look, to make Dana anymore upset than she already is would be a hazard to her health. She doesn't want to be in this hospital, bedridden for the next I don't know how many months. She wants to get better, but she won't if she's not treated better. *I* can treat her how she needs to be treated. Please, doctor, just let me do this one little thing for her...so I know I am helping in some small way." This time, Roberts really did consider Mulder's words. He looked back from Mulder to Dana and saw for the first time the bond they shared. By just watching their body language--the soft touches and looks--he knew they were very, very close. He could see that she trusted only him, and in turn, he trusted only her. "All right, Mr. Mulder," he said finally. "You may feed her meals, but it stops there, do you hear me?" A bright grin broke on his face. "Oh, yes, sir. Thank you so much." Roberts nodded, standing and leaving the room. Mulder's eyes followed the doctor out of the room, then turned down to look at her. To his delight, she was smiling at him. "That was some smooth talking, Mulder," was all she said. "I know," he replied smugly, "and I meant every word of it." He watched as she blushed slightly. "Hey, are you OK now?" he asked, referring to their conversation prior to the doctor's arrival. She nodded slowly. "I guess I'm all right for now. I apologize for putting up such a fuss over what you and the doctor talked about without me. It has been hard to control my moods lately. Under normal circumstances, I wouldn't have flipped out like that." "It's all right, believe me. So..." he trailed off and toyed with a strand of her hair, "how about if I forgive you, you forgive *me* for losing my cool..." Sitting up on the bed, she stuck out her hand. "I think that is a fair deal, Agent Mulder." He chuckled as he took her hand and squeezed it tightly. *** Mrs. Scully sat by her daughter as the nurse approached, bearing a tray of small dishes. Each dish held a different color mush--orange, green, red, and yellow. "You must eat all of this, Miss Scully," the nurse said curtly before leaving the room. Mulder, seated on her other side, reached for the tray and set it in front of himself. "OK, Dana, what do you want to start with?" She did not respond and he sighed. She was in another one of her depressed, 'I don't feel like talking to anybody' moods. He helplessly looked at her mother, at a loss of what to do. Maggie's heart went out to Fox. He was trying so hard to make this painless for her daughter. When Dana wasn't cooperating, though, she knew he thought it was his fault. "Dana, honey, come on now...it's time for this. It's been put off long enough. So, what do you want first--your peas, carrots, strawberries, or bananas. Scully glared at her mother. "Mother, that," she pointed to the bowls, "is NOT food." "Maybe not," the elder Scully said sternly, "but you will eat it anyway." Dana sighed heavily and stared at the dishes before her. *Why was this so hard? All I have to do is open my mouth and swallow. It can't be that bad...* "OK, Mulder, I think I'm ready," she said, propping herself up on the bed. "I'll start with the bananas." A bright grin broke out on his face. Finally, they were getting somewhere. Taking a plastic spoon from the tray, he scooped up a teaspoon of the mush. "We'll start small." He brought the food to her lips. When those lips did not part, he was not that surprised. He just held it there, letting her fight her own demons. No matter how much he wanted to help her, he knew he could not do everything for her. Mainly, he couldn't get into her head and convince the voice to eat. She had to do that alone. The next few minutes passed agonizingly slow. Dana could not take her eyes off the bananas before her. She had tried to open her mouth at least ten times now, and it wasn't happening. *Come on, Dana. Would you be strong for once?!* She tightly shut her eyes and opened her mouth, her breathe quickening at the effort. Mulder took the opportunity to place the spoon into her mouth. The goop slid off the utensil and onto her tongue. "Dana, the worst is over. Now all you need to do is swallow. Come on, you're almost there," he encouraged. Maggie grabbed the Dana's hand and squeezed. "Come on, baby, it's almost over." Her brows furrowed slightly, and she concentrated on allowing the food to slide down her throat. Ever so slowly, the bananas slid to the back of her tongue. It took a large amount of effort to get the food farther down, for the muscles of her esophagus were so out of use. As she pushed the food down, she let out a soft groan and then a gasp. She didn't realize how much it would hurt to move those muscles. The bananas burned against her throat. Her eyes shot open and watered at the effort she had just expended. Once he was certain she had swallowed, his heart leapt with joy. "You did it, Dana!" he said enthusiastically. He leaned over and kissed her cheek, bringing a slight blush to her face. "Oh, honey, I'm so proud of you!" her mother exclaimed as tears sprinkled her cheeks. Mulder scooped up another slightly larger spoonful. He teased her by waving the spoon in front of her face. "The airplane's coming in for a landing," he quipped. She put her hand up and stopped the spoon from moving. "Don't go there, Mulder," she said, smiling softly. He nodded and put the spoon into her mouth again. The second time she swallowed, it was considerably easier but still not a comfortable task. Maggie noticed the pain that Dana was feeling as she ate from each dish. Reaching out, she pushed her fingers through Dana's hair. "Don't worry...it *will* get easier." Dana smiled meaningfully at her mother. "I hope you're right, Mom..." *Please, God* she thought in a silent prayer, *please make her be right* *** Scully had been in the hospital for three weeks now, and her progress was so very slow. Mulder sighed as he watched her sleep. The dark circles that she used to have under her eyes had sunken deeper into her pale cheeks. She still was as frail as when she came--a skeleton with skin. No progress... He had been feeding her her "food" now for fourteen days. Every day, she seemed to eat more and more. It still was not enough, though. Her eating habits may have changed drastically, but her mental state was still the same. She had sunken into a deep blue funk. It was a scary to think of Scully as depressed, but that she was. Sure, she ate and drank what she was supposed to everyday, but nothing would make her happy. He knew why she was so depressed. She hated the hospital--had said it from day one. It must of been extremely boring for her to be confined to a small room with an IV in her arm all day, every day. The schedule was always the same: sleep, eat, stare at the wall, sleep, eat, listen to Mulder talk, sleep... Often, he tried to brighten her day by telling her jokes or reading to her from 'Moby Dick'. Sometimes, it even seemed to work. However, she never failed to slip back into her dark mood... This particular day was one of the worst ever. It had started when Scully demanded on getting up to use the bathroom. When the nurse had come to aid, she refused to be helped. He remembered the scene quite vividly: "Miss, let me help you to the bathroom," the nurse said, politely placing an arm around Scully's shoulders. "No thank you, ma'am, I can handle it myself," she responded coldly, pushing the woman away. "Scully..." Mulder started to protest. "Back off, Mulder." Giving him an icy glare, she swung her legs off the side of the bed. She placed both of her legs onto the cold tile floor while gripping the side bed rail. The IV dangled from her arm, a constant reminder that it was part of her body. Her legs failed her as she pushed up to a standing position, and she fell to the floor like a rag doll. Letting out a sharp cry, Mulder rushed to her side. "Get your hands off me, Mulder!" she yelled at him, her face growing red with embarrassment. He backed off slowly and watched as she crawled to the bathroom on her hands and knees. He pushed the IV along with her but did not dare touch her. When she finally reached the bathroom door, she reached for the knob. Her body would not allow her to stretch enough to touch it, and she swore under her breath. It pained his heart to watch her try to open the door, knowing if he went to help, she would scream at him. Minutes passed, and her embarrassment grew. Finally, she gave up, sinking into a little ball against the door. The nurse approached Scully and opened the door for her. She took her in her arms and led into the room. When the women emerged, he went over and took her from the nurse. Tucking her back into the bed, he watched her face. She lay totally still, her face blank, her eyes unfocused. She did not even attempt to glance his way. Eventually, her eyes drooped shut, and she fell into a deep slumber. Two hours later, she awoke. "Hey, how are you doing, Dana?" he squeezed her fingers. No response. She just looked away. "It's almost time to eat...we have potatoes, apples, and beef broth today, Scully." Nothing--not even a blink of the eye. This worried him. She had never ignored him like this before. It was as if she was in some type of waking coma... When the food came, she ate but stared right through him. He was completely invisible to her. He talked to her during the entire meal, if not to help her, to keep himself sane. Dinner was finally over, and she turned and went back to sleep. And this was where he was now--watching her sleep...again. The entire situation was incredibly frustrating. She had totally shut herself off from the outside world, sinking deep into her own self. The depression she had developed over the past few weeks had finally come to a head. *I have to do something. If her body doesn't kill her, this definitely will...* He made sure she was sleeping deeply and quietly left the room. Outside, the environment was so different from her room. It was alive, buzzing with activity--a breath of fresh air. Walking for a short distance, he stopped at the nurse's station. "Excuse me, miss," he said to the receptionist, "do you know how I can contact Doctor Roberts?" She smiled at him. "I will page him for you if you want, sir." "That would be great. Thank you." Twenty minutes later, he saw Roberts appear from the elevator. "You wanted to speak to me, Mr. Mulder?" "Yes, doctor...it's about Dana. I am really worried about her." "What's happened?" Roberts asked, concern crossing his features. "Today, she tried to get to the bathroom by herself, and when she couldn't, she just gave up totally. I've never seen her behave like that before. She hasn't spoken to anyone since that. All she does is sleep. She won't even look at me." The doctor sighed. He knew how depressed his patient had been for the last couple of weeks, but he assumed it would get better as she started eating more and more. Apparently, that wasn't the case. "Depression *is* a common symptom displayed by recovering anorexics. The fact that Dana is so independent in mind clearly explains why she wants to do things by herself." Mulder was not sure if the doctor truly understood how serious this was. "Doctor, when Dana realized she couldn't get to that bathroom by herself, it seemed like she just gave up on life completely. Something in her shut off, and I need to know what to do." "I don't know what you want me to say. There is not much more we can do at this time." "She is depressed," he said, glaring at the man before him, "and I think I know why. She hates being in this hospital, surrounded by nurses and doctors all day. Doctor, I have an idea of how to help her--if you would please consider it." This sparked an interest in Roberts. What idea could he possibly have this time? "Go on, Mr. Mulder." "Dana should be a homebound patient. I believe if she was able to live in her own apartment, she would definitely recover faster." This was absolutely out of the question. "I'm sorry, Mr. Mulder, *that* is not possible." "Listen to me," he pleaded. "Here in this hospital, Dana feels very uncomfortable. If she could be at home, sleeping in her own bed and eating at her own table, she would feel so much safer. The environment she's living in now is intimidating. She needs a haven that is familiar..." Roberts felt sympathy towards Mulder. He knew how much he wanted her to get well. But what he was asking would be extremely hard to pull off. "I can't do it," was all he could say. Mulder turned away from the doctor, his mind racing. He had to get this approved some way. "What if I stayed with her all the time?" he asked, turning around. "I mean, if her mother or myself was always there to keep a constant eye on her, would you allow it? Please, doctor, try to understand. I know Dana. I know her better than I know myself. She will not survive if she stays here much longer. *I* will help her. I gave you proof with the food. She wouldn't eat for your nurses, but she ate for me. That was a huge step, and this would be an even bigger one. We must do anything to keep her alive, so we have to do this!" The passion in Mulder's eyes overwhelmed Roberts. It was staggering to see his honest love and concern for her. He didn't know how he could say no... "I'll see what I can do." Mulder grinned widely and shook the man's hand. "Thank you so much, doctor. You've made the right decision. I'm sure of it." *** The next day, the doctor gave his final answer. Scully would be allowed to go home but under a few conditions. First, she would have to travel back to the hospital once a week for a check-up. That way, the doctors could keep a close eye on her progress. Second, a nurse would visit her home twice a week to change her IV. The IV would only have to be used at night or any other time she slept. The third condition was Mulder's responsibility. Everyday after dinner, Dana would have to be weighed and administered a series of drugs. Her weight would have to be charted and sent to Dr. Roberts every week. If her weight did not increase within two weeks, she would have to be brought back. Mulder, for his part, was willing to do anything to get her out of the hospital. Now that he had won this battle, he had to tell Dana and her mother. He hoped Mrs. Scully would support him. "I think it is a wonderful idea, Fox!" Maggie said happily after he had told her. "I just hope Dana thinks so too. She still hasn't spoken since the incident yesterday. I have a feeling she's really mad at me." Maggie went to him and took his hands. "Fox, don't think she doesn't want you around. She needs you more than anyone. As her mother, I know Dana is very stubborn, but I also know she will get over it. Anyway, when you tell her what you've managed to finagle, she will talk to you again." He smiled at the thought. "I hope you're right, Mrs. Scully." Quietly, he walked into her room and approached the bed. She was not asleep but staring out the window. *Not much of a view* he thought, following her gaze to see the brick wall of an adjacent building. *That will change...* He sat by her side. "Dana, I have something very important to tell you...now you don't have to look at me, but please listen. Both your mother and I know how much you hate being here, so I've managed to convince Dr. Roberts to send you home." She blinked rapidly, still turned away. *A response! Thank God* "From now on, you will be a homebound patient. You will still have to take pills and have an IV when your sleeping, but other than that, you can have a normal life again. A few conditions have been set, but we will talk about those later. Dana, do you want to do this? Please, I need to know." For the first time in almost twenty four hours, she turned and looked at him--actually *looked* at him. He never thought her eyes more beautiful than in that moment. It was if her entire being suddenly snapped from the deep fog she had been lost in. Dana Scully was back... "Mulder..." her voice cracked from disuse. "I want to go home." The smile he gave her reflected relief and love. "Then we'll go home, Dana." Her lower lip trembled slightly and a single tear slid down her cheek. He reached and brushed it away, slipping his arms around her torso. Hugging him as forcefully as she could, she whispered, "Thank you, Fox...I'm so sorry..." "Shhh, it's all right...I want you to stop apologizing and start getting well, OK?" Nodding, Dana buried her head in the crook of his shoulder. This was what she had only dreamed of. Being able to go home seemed like an impossible fantasy before, and now it was a reality. All thanks to the man who held her in his arms. Title: "Into the Black Abyss III: Safe At Home" Author: Lavinia Paige (Lavinia627@aol.com) Rating: PG Classification: SRA Keywords: Mulder/Scully romance Summary: Scully begins to recover in the safety of her own home. Hi everyone! Remember, in...oh, about September, there was the beginnings of this series called "Into the Black Abyss." Yeah, and, um...well...after the second part called "Coming Back," the series' author, Lavinia Paige, kind of stopped writing... WELL, guess what? She's back. Yes, that's right, Lavinia has finally gotten off her lazy butt and has the third installment of the series!!! Anyway, since you've probably forgotten what the series is about, I'll do a little recap to refresh your memory: "Into the Black Abyss" * -- After Mulder makes an off hand comment, Scully begins to feel insecure about her appearance. She feels she is overweight, and consequently, starts to diet. This diet eventually becomes obsessive, and she develops anorexia nervosa. For six months, Scully avoids foods as much as possible, dropping forty pounds. Mulder, of course, knows something is wrong with Scully. However, she shrugs him off every time he tries to confront her. Finally, she becomes so sick and weak, Mulder discovers her horrible secret. He promises her he will help her get better. "Into the Black Abyss: Coming Back" * -Mulder takes Scully to a hospital, where she receives treatment for the anorexia. She is forced to eat strained food to gain weight. Mulder tries to keep her spirits up during her stay, but she hates the weak, dependent person she has become. Slipping into depression, Scully totally blocks Mulder out. Mulder, realizing her depression is from the hospital environment, asks her doctor if she could be a home-bound patient. At first, the doctor refuses, but eventually, Mulder wins him over. * These lame summaries don't really do the actual story justice, so I recommend you read the first two parts in their entirety before attempting to understand everything here. "Into the Black Abyss: Safe At Home" -- In this next part, we will see Scully recovering at home. The relationship between the partners becomes stronger and more intimate. The second half of this installment is a little light-hearted and angst free. After all, all pain and suffering could kill someone (especially *this* writer). Disclaimer: I don't own them, only use them. They are property of Chris Carter, 1013 Productions, and Fox. "Safe At Home" Mulder pushed the door open after unlocking it, revealing the spotless, bright apartment. The weight in his arms was no more than eighty pounds and sleeping. The car ride from the hospital was just about twenty minutes long, but Dana managed to fall asleep during the drive anyway. Walking into the living room, he kicked the door shut and then laid Dana on the couch. She stayed motionless while he went to her bedroom and turned down the bed. She stirred slightly as he picked her back up and carried her to her room, depositing her carefully on the bed. Once she was tucked in, Mulder went back out to the car. He grabbed the small bag she had with her at the hospital and then his own suitcase. He and Maggie had both decided it would be best if he basically moved in with her, so he could care for her all the time. He had also asked for an extended leave of absence from the bureau. Skinner had approved it without question. He obviously understood the seriousness of the situation. Along with the suitcases, he grabbed the supply of "food" from the hospital. Dr. Roberts had instructed to use the entire stock and then start on regular food. It seemed easy enough. The IV for Dana when she slept was not here yet. Tomorrow, a nurse was supposed to come with it and give him instructions on how administer it to her. Back in her apartment, Mulder pulled out a chart that was tucked underneath the food. He examined it carefully. It was his task to fill it out everyday. It was a graph with the number of pounds vertically lining the paper. Horizontally were the dates. Apparently, everyday he would record her weight and connect the dot with the dot from the day before. Eventually, a line graph would be formed. He prayed that the line would steadily move upward, or she would have to go back to that dreadful place. Along with the chart were three different bottles of medication. They were all *safe*, non-addictive types of vitamins and sedatives. The vitamins were to be given to her everyday after dinner and the sedatives only when needed. Sighing softly, he realized he had nothing to do until she woke up, which could be hours from now. He walked to her room and watched her sleep from the doorway. She looked so peaceful in her own bed. The slight furrow in her eyebrow that had been permanently etched into her forehead at the hospital seemed to be gone now. *You can relax, Mulder. She's safe and happy here. You did the right thing* He slowly walked back towards her couch and stretched out across it. A wave of contentment crashed over him, and he felt his eyes growing heavy. *Sleep...just a few minutes* he thought, closing his eyes. Within a few minutes, he had fallen into a deep slumber. *** The first thing Scully noticed when she drifted out of sleep was the silence all around her. There was no drip of the IV, no constant humming of the heating unit, and no loud voices of inconsiderate nurses. *Where am I? What's happened?* she wondered half heartily, feeling rather content with the deadness of the environment. She shifted slightly and felt for the first time the softness of the sheets beneath her. The pillow her head rested on was soft and plush. Last time she remembered, her bed had consisted of scratchy sheets and flat pillows. Daring to open her eyes, she practically gasped out loud to see herself lying in her own bed--in her own room--in her own apartment. Late afternoon sunlight streamed in between the drawn curtains. Instead of the pungent stench of Lysol, the air around her smelled vaguely like a mixture of lilacs and sunflowers. For a brief moment, she was utterly confused, even believing for an instant that the anorexia was just a horrible nightmare. When she brought a hand up to touch her throbbing head, though, she knew she was sadly mistaken. Her hand was thin and wiry. Pasty skin hung loosely from the bone of her upper arm. No, the nightmare that was her life was unfortunately true. *What's happened? Why am I here?* she wondered, trying to remember the last couple of days. Everything suddenly came back to her. All of this was Mulder's doing. She felt her insides warm at the thought. He had done this for *her*--to save *her*. She couldn't even imagine what he said to the doctor that allowed her to come home. *Must have been the Mulder charm* she thought amusingly. How he got her there didn't matter right now, though. What was important was the fact that she was home. Stretching out like a lazy cat, Scully sat up against the headboard of the bed, fighting off a wave of dizziness threatening to consume her. She slowly peered around her seemingly unfamiliar bedroom. Everything appeared to be clean and orderly. The bright sunlight peeking through the curtains warmed her face and arms. *This is exactly what I needed* she smiled in contentment. All too soon, realizations struck her happy mood, practically extinguishing it. Things wouldn't be THAT different from the hospital. The IV would still need to be used, she would have to eat that disgusting strained food, and the only way she'd be able to get to her bathroom would be by a helping hand. *NO, Dana. You will not get depressed over this again! This is so much better than before. How can you even compare? If you get down again, think what it would do to Mulder* Mulder...now that she thought about it, where was he? He certainly wouldn't just leave her here alone, would he? Then again, he's probably just out in the other room. Before she even realized what she was doing, she started to slide out of the bed. The fatigue that racked her limbs protested the movement, and she let out a loud sigh. A dim sense of deja vu hit her as she remembered her failed attempt to get to the bathroom on her own two days ago. *No! Don't go there, Dana!* *But I hate this! Having to call for help instead of helping myself. It's pathetic...* Slightly raising her voice, she called out. "Mulder?" No answer. Where was he? A little louder this time. "Mulder?!" She heard a startled exclamation come from her living room--then the sound of footsteps--his footsteps--coming quickly down the hall. The minute he approached the room, she knew she had woken him from a deep sleep. His usually neat shirt was un-tucked and wrinkled--his shoes were missing, face drawn and pale, eyes drowsy, and hair sticking out in every direction. "Scully," he smiled warmly, coming to sit on the edge of the bed, "you're awake." She nodded guiltily. "I'm sorry I woke you, Mulder. If I would have known--" He silenced her with and upturned hand. "It's OK, Dana. I was just waiting for you to wake up so we could have dinner when I just happened to fall asleep." Dana held out her hand to him. He took it and she slowly pulled him close to her. Facing each other, hip to hip, Dana squeezed his hand. "Mulder, I just want you to know how much this means to me. I cannot say 'thank you' enough for what you've done--the sacrifices you've made for me. You've given all you possibly can and then some." She reached out and brushed her hand over his cheek, his five o'clock shadow rough against her fingers. Tears welled in her eyes as she continued. "I would be dead now if it weren't for you. You pulled me out of this abyss I had so easily slipped into...and..." she choked on a sob that escaped her throat as two tiny tears slid down her cheeks, "and I just want to say..." The emotion was ripping her in two. He would never know--could never know--how grateful she was for his presence in her life. The thought of doing this alone rocked her painfully to the core. Mulder would do anything to give her what she needed. Things that even her own family wouldn't give. "Dana," he spoke off her silence. His eyes had grown watery with affection as he removed a cloth handkerchief from his pocket and dabbed it against her eyelashes, cheeks, and chin. "Tell me what you need to say." Looking into his bright hazel eyes, the answer seemed so simple. "I love you, Fox Mulder..." she said finally, grasping the hand that wiped her face. "I never had the chance through all this to tell you, but I love you." Mulder looked into the frightfully honest face of Dana Scully--his partner, friend, love, and yes, even life. What she had said registered in his brain, but he could not believe. Pain shrouded his features as he looked away. *She doesn't know what she just said* Scully immediately saw his reaction and was confused. What was wrong? Didn't he believe her? "Mulder, you heard me, didn't you? I said I loved you..." He shook his head fervently, tears finally breaking from his eyes. "Please, Dana, don't say that. You don't really mean it and--" Cutting him off, she grasped his shoulders, forcing him to look at her. "What do you mean 'don't say that'? I can say what I want!" The anger flashed in her eyes, insistently pushing at his stubbornness. "You think I'm kidding, Mulder?" She searched his eyes and found that her suspicions were correct. "Why would I *ever* say that unless it was true?" Ashamed, he turned from her and she let him go, clasping her hands in her lap. *Kill the frustration, Dana. It won't help* As she stared at his back, she suddenly understood his refusal to believe. Sure, he could tell her he loved her all he wanted...but when *she* said it to *him*, it was a different story. Those words hurt him, and she knew exactly why... "No one's ever told you they loved you before, have they, Mulder." It was not a question. His shoulders visibly sagged. *So now she knows* He felt her slip closer behind him and wrap her arms around his back, her hands coming to rest against his sternum. All she could say as she pressed her cheek between his shoulder blades was, "Well, there's always a first time for everything, Mulder." He sighed softly, feeling a deep love for this woman who was so generously comforting him in his time of need. What she had said was so true. No one--not his mother, father, or even sister--had ever said they loved him. To hear it now was a balm to soothe his aching soul. "Thank you," he whispered, turning in her arms and grasping her upper arms. "You will never know how wonderful and comforting that sounds coming from you, Dana..." She smiled and leaned in closer to him. When their faces were mere inches apart, she spoke in a soft voice. "Maybe I can guess." And with that, she closed the remaining distance between them and brushed her lips tentatively across his. It took Mulder a few seconds before he realized what was happening. When he finally caught on, he pulled her even tighter against him and returned the gentle embrace. The kiss was soft and chaste but not without passion. It did not constitute so much of a physical passion but an emotional one. It relayed a promise of love that could not possibly be spoken with mere words. All too soon, Scully pulled away but stayed in contact with him by laying her head against his chest. He sat there with her, holding her and stoking her back. It was the most peaceful moment either of them had shared in such a long time. And it felt *so* right to be in each other's arms. They probably would have held each other like that for the rest of the day if the door bell hadn't interrupted them. The loud chime echoed down the hall, causing them both to jump. He slowly extricated himself from her tiny arms. "It must be your mother. She was to come for dinner and to help you bathe..." he said, leaning down and lightly touching her lips to his for a brief second. "I'll be back." Dana only nodded, wishing the moment wouldn't end so quickly. She felt warm and tingly all over. The sensation of his lips against hers had left a permanent impression on her brain. It was wonderful, and she kicked herself mentally for not kissing him sooner. In fact, for not telling him she loved him sooner. Rushing to the door before the bell rang for the third time, Mulder opened the door to reveal Margaret Scully smiling warmly up at him. "Hello, Fox," she spoke while walking past him. In her arms, she carried a small grocery bag. "How is Dana doing?" He smiled inwardly. If Maggie only knew how *well* she was doing. Out loud he said, "Well, she just woke up, and she seems alright." "I'm going to go and see her," she said brightly. "Could you maybe get our dinner out of this bag?" "Sure, Mrs. Scully," he took the bag from her. She looked at him in exasperation. "Fox, when are you going to learn to call me Maggie? Mrs. Scully makes me sound *so* old." He laughed at the petite woman before him. She stood with her hands on her hips, looking like she was going to give him a good scolding. It reminded him so much of Dana and her all too familiar stubborn stance. "Sorry, Mrs--uh, Maggie...I'll work on it." Satisfied with his response, the elder Scully turned and went towards the bedroom. Dana, for her part, had heard the playful exchange between her mother and Mulder, and she chuckled softly when her mother appeared in the doorway. "What's so funny, Dana?" her mother asked in confusion. "Oh, nothing, Mom--just you and Mulder." Understanding, Mrs. Scully nodded and went to sit down next to her daughter. Her words became serious. "How *are* you, honey?" "Better, now that I'm home." Maggie ruffled Dana's hair playfully. "I hoped you would be. Fox had to do a number to approve this, you know." "I know, Mom, I've already thanked him many times," Dana blushed, thinking just *how* she had showed her gratitude. Maggie just grinned at her daughter. She could tell that Dana was much happier in her own bed, in her own home. Her sickly pallor seemed to have slightly colored since yesterday. She hoped the progress would steadily continue. It was hard to imagine her having to go back. Just then, Mulder strode into the room, wiping his hands on a tea towel. "Well, ladies, when you are ready, we can have dinner." Mrs. Scully spoke for them both. "Dinner sounds good right about now, Fox." Nodding, Fox walked over to Dana's side. "M'lady, it would be an honor if you'd allow me to escort you to dinner." Giggling softly, she had to reply. "'Escort' or 'carry', Mulder?" "Whatever you'd like, my dear." She sat up straight in the bed. "Well, in that case, I would like to walk, but I guess I'll accept some help." He leaned over and took hold of her upper arms. Ever so gently, he pulled her to her feet. Her legs wobbled underneath her at first, but she quickly regained her composure. Putting an arm around her bony shoulders, he started slowly towards the door. His grip on her was steady but not too firm. Something in the back of his head told him to be very careful, for she could snap like a twig if he touched her wrong. Dana grunted as she willed her legs to move. They were so stiff from being bedridden most of the time. It felt like every muscle had permanently melded her bones into one position. To move now was to rip them away from a familiar place. "Does it hurt, Dana?" he asked in concern. She couldn't lie. "A little, but it's not bad. I have to get used to walking again." She felt her mother's hand on her back, supporting her from the other side. "Dana, honey, if it hurts too much, let Fox carry you." "I'm *fine*, Mother," she said a little too harshly. Her mother's hand withdrew from her back suddenly. *Damn you, Dana* she scolded herself. "I'm sorry, Mom," she apologized, slightly turning in Mulder's arms. "I didn't mean to snap like that." "It's OK, honey. I understand." Silently walking beside her, Mulder led her in the direction of the couch. He thought it would be a nice, comfortable place for her to sit while she ate. But she stopped when she saw where he was leading her. "No, not the couch, Mulder. I want to sit at the table." He started to protest, and she stopped him. "Please?" Giving in this one time, Mulder turned their bodies and went towards the table. Sitting on the table were the dinners for Mrs. Scully and himself along with Dana's "special" sustenance. He carefully sat her down in a chair, making sure his chair was as close to hers as he could get it. While they were getting settled, Maggie grabbed the cartons of Chinese food and scooped them onto plates. She placed one in front of Fox along with a fork and knife. Then, she grabbed Dana's food--which consisted of carrots, corn, beef broth, and some kind of creamy yogurt--and placed it in front of her. Dana sighed loudly as she looked at her food compared to theirs. "It's not fair," she said, pouting. "I have to eat *this* while you get Chinese." Fox grinned at her. "Well, just think, Dana. Once it's gone, you can start to eat regular food. That should count for something." "Yeah, you talk, Fox Mulder, yet you've never had to eat this stuff." "And I definitely have no desire to." He picked up her spoon and scooped a large glob of carrots. "Here, have some of your orange mush." She reached out with her hand instead of her mouth and clasped the spoon. "I think I should try to feed myself now, Mulder." He actually looked disappointed as he said, "But I so enjoy doing it." "I know, but I am a big girl. I need to do it myself." He finally let go of the spoon, shrugging, before turning to his own meal. OK, so she *thought* she could do it. As she started to raise the spoon to her mouth, though, panic gripped her. When Mulder had fed her, it was his will making her eat, but now she had to call on her own will to perform. *Dana, would you do it?! Even you can't be THIS weak* She closed her eyes tightly and pushed the spoon in her mouth, swallowing the carrots down as fast as possible. *That wasn't so bad, was it? Better try it again, just for good measure* Mulder observed the whole scene but said nothing. It would be best if she did this without any interruption from him. He watched as she mentally battled her inner demons. Within minutes, she seemed to have the entire process of feeding herself down pretty well. Finally getting enough guts to look at him and her mother, Dana gave them a bright smile of reassurance. Mulder visibly seemed to relax at her look and Maggie finally started to eat her own meal. The rest of dinner went without incident. The three of them made casual conversation. No one brought up the hospital or anything to do with the disease. If Dana didn't have to see her body every time she looked down at her dinner, she would have thought it was just a normal evening with her loved ones. That diminutive sac of bones she saw made her heart sink, and she wished more than anything that it was just a normal night... Mulder and Maggie were finished a long time before Dana. They encouraged her to take all the time she needed, though. Soon, she finished as well, her meal punctuated by Mulder's clapping and kiss on her cheek. Another barrier was passed. She could now eat by herself. Now, if she just learned to do some other simple tasks independently. Exhaustion instantly hit her like a blow to the head as Mulder moved to clear the dishes, and Maggie caught the look on her face immediately. "Sweetheart, I know you're tired, but you have to take a bath before bed." "I know, Mom," she sighed, her eyes half-lidded. "It's just, I'm so tired..." Her voice slurred at the last word. Maggie walked over to her daughter and grabbed her shoulders before she slipped from the chair. Mulder came over and took his semi-conscious partner into his arms. "If you could just get her to the bathroom for me, Fox," Maggie said from behind him. She rushed to the bedroom to get a fresh change of clothes for her. *This might be harder than I thought* she said to herself. Dana didn't seem like she would be that willing of a participant, and she prayed she could get her into the tub without help. She knew if she asked for Fox's help, Dana would never forgive her. "So tired..." she murmured against Mulder chest when he stopped to sit her on a chair by the tub. "I know you're tired, Scully, but you have to stay awake just a bit longer." He shook her shoulders gently. Opening her eyes, Scully smiled at him and giggled. She looked around the bathroom. Her mother had not appeared yet. Leaning into his hold on her, she whispered, "We seem to be alone for the time being, Mr. Mulder..." Her eyebrow arched in an attempted leer. Her smile had a somewhat intoxicating look to it. He had no idea why she had just turned so giddy. His only guess was exhaustion. As the giggles emanating from her grew more frequent, he couldn't help smiling himself. "Dana, what has gotten into you?" She threw her head back and laughed. "I don't know! I just feel SO happy right now! Did you put something in my food, Fox Mulder?" she choked out between giggles, pointing an accusing finger at him. "I think you did. You're trying to take advantage of me, aren't you?" She'd grown hysterical with laughing. Mulder was starting to become a little concerned. Maybe a little giddiness would have been dismissed by exhaustion, but this was ridiculous! He took a hold of her and shook her shoulders. "Dana, calm down now, OK?" "But I can't," she gasped. "I'm trying, but I can't." At that moment, Mrs. Scully walked into the room to see her daughter's tear streaked face and Fox's dire expression. He held her close to him while she laughed uncontrollably. "What's going on here, Fox?" Fox looked up helplessly. "I don't know, Maggie. She won't stop." Mrs. Scully kneeled next to Mulder, taking her daughter's face in her hands. "Dana, what's going on? What's wrong?" Scully responded with another fit of giggles. She felt so elated right now. The best part was she had no idea why. The minute she'd been startled from sleep by Mulder, the odd sensation started. At first, she just felt incredibly happy. Then that happiness grew until it totally consumed her entire being in a somewhat frightening manner. Even if she wanted to, she didn't think she could stop. "Dana Katherine Scully, you listen to me!" her mother's voice had become frantic. "I want you to stop this nonsense this instant!" Dana shook her head stubbornly, having nothing to do with seriousness at the moment. When she turned to look at Mulder, though, her elation flickered. He looked scared to death. Confusion, fear, and pain masked his features. He held her tensely, at a loss as to what to do. "Scully?" he spoke when he saw her quizzical expression. "Please...what's wrong? Then the feeling of happiness slipped away as fast as it came. She felt a wave of dizziness and then nausea wash over her and leaned into him for support. *What was that all about?* she wondered. It had been the most bizarre feeling--as if she was floating on a cloud. If she didn't know any better, it felt like tripping on some hallucinogenic drug. The feeling quickly disappeared and left behind an emptiness inside. "Mulder..." she tested his name on her lips. "What happened?" "I don't know," he said cautiously. "You were acting really strange there for a minute." "I can't explain it, baby," her mother said, smoothing back her hair. "You were hysterical." "I can't explain it either. It just felt so wonderful to laugh...but now the feeling's gone." Mulder spoke up. "I wonder if it could be a possible symptom of the anorexia we haven't seen yet. I mean, we've seen you in a very depressed state, Dana. Maybe this was just the other end of the spectrum." Dana's brow furrowed in concentration. The things she learned in medical school about mental disorders were rather foggy at the moment. She guessed what Mulder had said was possible. It could have been a bipolar response of sorts--depression followed by extreme elation. "Well, whatever it was," Mulder continued, "I'll be sure to ask Dr. Roberts about it tomorrow." With that, Mulder stood up straight and released Scully. "I'll leave you now to bathe if you sure you are alright." "I'm fine now, Mulder..." she answered, reluctantly watching as he nodded and left the room. *** Scully emerged an hour later from the bathroom with her mother. Mulder glanced up from the couch at her approach and smiled warmly. She looked refreshed and clean. Her hair was washed and combed away from her face, and she was dressed in a pair of blue satin pajamas. Mulder got a whiff of the vanilla blossom shampoo she used to wash her hair with as he went to take her from Maggie. "You smell good," he whispered in her ear as he led her to the couch, sat down, and pulled her next to him. "Thank you," she responded shyly, a slight color coming to her cheeks. After a few minutes of silence between the three, Dana spoke up. Glancing at her mother, she said, "Mom told me what I have to do every night. It doesn't seem so hard." He chuckled and kissed the top of her head. "No, it shouldn't be hard at all. All we have to do is weigh you and give you some pills. However, the nurse will probably come tomorrow with the IV. For me to learn how to give it to you might be difficult." She shook her head. "I don't think you'll have a problem with it. It's not that hard to do." "Yeah, and this is coming from a doctor." She smiled up at him and rolled her eyes. Maggie watched as the two on the couch exchanged words. Her keen senses told her immediately that their relationship had recently changed. They were much more affectionate towards each other. True, Mulder had always been affectionate, but this time, Dana was returning the touches and embraces. Yes, something definitely had changed within the last twenty four hours. "I think I should get going now..." she said softly, trying to break them gently from their silent communication. Dana looked up startled and embarrassed that she had forgotten her mother was in the room. "Oh, no, Mom, you don't have to leave..." Maggie stood up and grabbed her coat from the back of the couch. "Yes I do, hon. It's getting rather late, and I'm expecting a call from Bill later tonight anyway." "OK, Mom, if you're sure," Dana said reluctantly. Mulder stood up to help Maggie get her jacket on. He walked her to the door. "Goodnight, sweety," she called to Dana before opening the door. "Goodnight, Mom, and thanks." Nodding, the elder Scully turned to Mulder. "Take good care of my little girl, Fox." "Don't worry, Maggie, I will," he promised. And with that, she was gone. He watched her walk down the hallway and to her car before turning back into the room and shutting the door. As he sat back down beside her again, he saw her eyes grow heavy with sleepiness. He put his arms around her and pulled her close. She graciously accepted the warmth of his body, feeling too content to move for the rest of the night. All too soon, she felt him shift and pull gently away. "Come on, Dana, you can go to bed as soon as we do the nightly ritual." She groaned as his warmth left her. "But I'm not ready to move, Fox. I feel too good right here with you beside me." He stood and pulled her up, supporting her limp frame in his arms. When she wouldn't walk with him, he swept her up into his arms. She smiled against his chest, and he grinned down at her. "We can both go to bed as soon as we're finished, I promise." Off her slow nod, he walked into the bathroom. The scale rested beside the tub. As he approached it, he realized she probably wouldn't stand on her own. At least, not tonight. So, with her still in his arms, he stepped up onto the scale. The scale jumped to life and stopped to rest on the number 255. Mentally recording that number into his brain, he stepped down and carried her to her bed. He laid her gently on the bed, pressing his lips to her forehead. "Hey, babe, don't go to sleep just yet. I'll be back in a minute." Scully mumbled some sort of response while he went back to the bathroom. Stepping on the scale a second time, the new number was 175. *255 minus 175 is eighty. Hmmm, eighty pounds...her starting weight* he thought as he recorded the number onto the chart. He sighed heavily, staring blankly at the graph paper. Eighty pounds was just above what she had been when she first went to the hospital. And in all this time, she had hardly gained anything. That single fact made him want to weep. But, no, he would remain strong, for her sake. When she could so easily crumble under the disease's stress, she needed him to be the one to hold her up. "Mulder..." he heard her groggily call from the bed. "Coming," he called back and rushed to the kitchen to grab her vitamins and a glass of water. Sitting on the edge of the bed, he pulled her up to a slightly sitting position. He put the pills to her mouth, followed by the water. "Swallow these, and then you can sleep." Once the two tablets were swallowed, he settled her snugly underneath the covers. She had not opened her eyes since she had been on the couch, but somehow she managed to open them at that moment. "Fox..." she yawned, "will you please stay with me here tonight? I feel lonely without you." "Of course, I will, Dana. Whatever you want." After turning off her beside lamp, he crawled over to the empty side of the bed and settled down on top of the comforter, still dressed in a T-shirt and jeans. Once he was comfortable, he felt her move over and lay her head against his shoulder, her left hand resting against his chest. He put his left arm around her while he grasped her left hand with his right. "Love you..." she murmured as sleep quickly crept upon her. "I love you, too," he replied and kissed her hair. He closed his eyes and listened to the gentle rhythm of her breathing. Within minutes, he was asleep as well. *** "Yes, thank you, doctor. I'll tell her. All right, good-bye." Mulder placed the phone back onto its cradle and stepped towards the bedroom. As he approached, he smiled appreciatively at the still sleeping form of Dana Scully. She looked so peaceful asleep in the big bed. He was afraid earlier in the morning that he would wake her when trying to free himself from her tight grasp. However, she must have been completely out, for she didn't even stir. That was about two hours ago, and she was still sleeping soundly. While she slept, he took the time to straighten some things up in her apartment and call the doctor. Calling the doctor was probably the most important thing he had to do. He needed to know why Dana had had such a mood swing the previous night. It still scared him when he thought back to it. She had laughed so loud, she almost cried. And then, just like that, it had stopped, replaced by the slight depression he was used to. His thoughts were forgotten as he watched her turn in her bed, making a soft noise. Then, seconds later, she moved again, this time yawning. She was slowly coming back to the land of the living. Helping her wake up, he went over and sat on the side of the bed. "You're just in time for breakfast." She groaned as she opened her eyes. He sat before her with a bright smile on his face. "What a wonderful thing to wake up to," she said teasingly. A chuckle rumbled from his throat as he slipped his arms underneath hers and pulled her to him. Holding her gently, he planted a kiss on her upturned cheek and then briefly touched her waiting lips. Breaking from the embrace, he lowered and kissed her eyes and nose. "How are you feeling this morning, babe?" "Good," she answered truthfully, laying her head against his chest, her ear pressed to his heart. "How long have you been up?" "Oh, about two hours." She sat up, startled. "Two hours! What time is it?" "Well, it's around eleven. You were exhausted last night, so I just let you sleep in." "I guess you're right. I did need the sleep," she sighed heavily and tightened her grip around his body. "So, what have you done all morning?" "Just little things. Cleaning up--" She interrupted with a snort. "You? Cleaning up? I think that's an oxymoron, Mulder." "Despite popular opinion, Miss Scully, I am rather efficient in cleaning up when I want to, not to mention in other fields such as cooking, ironing, and doing laundry." Grinning widely, she pulled his head to hers, kissing him soundly. "I have to say I am pleasantly surprised, Agent Mulder. I never knew you had it in you." "I'm full of surprises, Scully. Just you wait." After a few moments of contented silence, Mulder went to speak again. "Anyway, besides cleaning, I also called Dr. Roberts. I asked him about your little giggling attack last night." The reminder of the previous night made Dana's eyes grow dark. Her behavior in the bathroom was something she didn't like to think about. Mulder had been so frightened--the fear whitening his face and jumping from his eyes. She felt extreme guilt for making him feel that particular emotion. After all, he had his share of it for months now--all because of her. "What did he say?" was the only thing she said out loud. "He said that it is a symptom of the disorder. It's very similar to what manic depressives feel--happiness and then a drop to sadness. He said that the symptoms might come back, but they will go away as the episodes of depression do." She looked to him with the ghost of a smile on her face. "I'm hoping I won't have anymore episodes of either type." Mulder suddenly remembered something else the doctor had said. Good news. News that would lighten the moment. "Oh, yeah, I forgot to tell you," he said warmly, "Roberts said as long as you eat three times a day like a good girl, you don't have to have an IV." Dana turned and gave him a beautiful smile--teeth and all. "Really?" she said incredulously. "That's fabulous." "Yes, it is." He ran his finger over her strong jaw. "But just remember your end of the bargain. Food three times a day--no ands, ifs, or buts about it." She playfully saluted him. "Yes, sir. Whatever you say, sir!" Standing up, he pulled her along. "Well, in that case, breakfast is just about ready for you." He put a supporting hand around her shoulders as they walked to the kitchen. "I already had my meal, though, so you wouldn't have to watch me eat the good stuff." "Thanks a lot," she said sarcastically. "You're *so* considerate." He sat her in a kitchen chair and placed the food before her--strained strawberries and bananas, and cream of wheat. For a minute, she just gazed at the food, a small smile spreading over her face. "What is it, Dana?" he sought out her eyes, knowing that look. *She's up to something* Her eyes sparkled as she met his gaze. "Oh, nothing...I was just remembering how you said you liked to feed me...and I thought, well, maybe, I'd let you have a chance right now..." His half-smile grew into a full-fledged grin. "Oh, really? *Now* you want to be fed?" He scooted close to her and reached out, pulling her onto his lap--the action causing Dana to squeal in delight. He took a heaping spoonful of bananas and held it up to her face, but she wouldn't open her mouth. "Dana...?" It was half a question, half a warning. "Mulder," she said teasingly, "I don't really have any initiative to do this right now...I mean, I really wish I could have, you know, some sort of reward for eating..." Her tone was one of mock-innocence, the voice of a child. *Why you little...* he thought, catching on to her intentions. "A reward?" he said, acting like he was thinking about it. "Mmmm... interesting idea. But what kind of reward, Dana? I don't think I understand." "How about..." her voice trailed off for a second. "How about a kiss for every bite." She gave him her patented eyebrow arch. "Ahhh, I understand. Well, all right, that sounds fair enough. Let's begin, shall we?" This time she did open her mouth and swallowed the bananas in a second. Licking her lips, she leaned close to him. "Where's my reward?" "Right here," he whispered. He threaded his fingers through her thick auburn tresses and covered her lips with his. The kiss was soft and sweet but lasted for only a few seconds. "Hey!" she whined when he broke contact. "Dana," he scolded, "you took *one* bite, so you get *one* kiss." Her full lips pouted. "Fine...party pooper...where's my next bite?" And that's how the entire meal went. As each spoonful was swallowed, the kisses grew longer and became more passionate. When her entire breakfast was mostly gone, Mulder felt the urge to comment on the little game she was playing. "You know, Dana, this kind of reminds me of training a dog. For every good deed, the dog gets a special treat." Her eyes widened at his wise crack. *You think you're all that, Fox Mulder. Think again!* Innocently, she took the spoon from his hand. "I think I'll take the last few bites myself. Don't want to lose the ability to do it myself." She smiled and batted her eye lashes, while scooping the last of the strawberry "stuff" onto the spoon. Turning the utensil, she slowly took it to her mouth. Mulder watched in silence as she took her time. Then, before he even realized what was happening, she catapulted the spoon towards him, and the strawberries flew, spattering all over his cheeks, nose, and chin. At first, he was too shocked to move--atleast, until he heard her raucous laughter. Grabbing her wrist that still held the offending spoon, he pulled her against him. "What was that for, Miss Scully?" he asked, trying to sound angry. He failed miserably. In fact, he was trying very hard not to laugh himself. She burst into a raging fit of giggles. Through ragged breaths, she spoke. "You...should...see...your face...It's...It's priceless!!! That'll teach you...for...for insulting me!" *So you wanna play dirty, Dana? OK, you've asked for it!* "Oh, so this is about my comment, isn't it?" he spoke over her loud laughing. Making sure she was completely absorbed in the humor of the moment, he reached over to the table and scrapped the edges of the bowl of cream of wheat, gathering a sizable helping of the stuff on his fingers. "So you think it's funny, don't you?" he challenged. She nodded, her bright blue eyes bright with tears. In one quick stroke, he brought his fingers up and smeared the wheat over her face, making sure it covered her eyelids, mouth, cheeks, chin, and neck. The laughing suddenly stopped with a gasp. He sat back while she gaped at him, using the flats of her palms to get the sticky goop away from her eyes. "What's the matter, Dana?" he asked innocently. "You can *dish* it out, but you can't take it?" The gape quickly turned into an exaggerated scowl. Eyes narrowed and arms crossed, she glared at him. "You have no idea what you've just done, Fox Mulder," she threatened. Shifting slightly on his lap, she reached for her glass of orange juice, taking a large gulp. Then, without hesitation, she dumped what was left in the glass straight onto his head. "Whoops," she said calmly, "my hand must have slipped...sorry." Her expression showed she was not sorry at all. Even as the liquid was poured over his head, he obtained steady eye contact with her. His expression was grim and disapproving, but she could see the undercurrent of amusement beyond his stern features. It annoyed her that he wasn't reacting to her actions. "Well, aren't you going to say something for yourself?" she smiled tightly. "No," he answered serenely. He looked perfectly content with orange juice and strawberries dripping from his hair and chin. "But, I will say one thing," he paused for effect. "You look all sticky and gross, Dana. You are such a messy eater, you know that?" Her smile faded as she saw where he was going with this. "Mulder," she seriously warned. "Yes, messy eater indeed. I think it's my duty to clean you up." "Mulder, no..." she protested. Like he would listen at this point. He stood up with her in his arms and walked to the sink. He deposited her struggling body on the counter and held her there. "Mulder, whatever you're going to do..." she started but was too late. Turning on the faucet with a flick of his wrist, he grabbed the sink's sprayer, holding it before her. His eyebrows shot up in amusement at her expression. *Uh oh* she thought, *I'm in for it now* "I wish I didn't have to do this, babe," he said, actually sounding sorry. "But a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do." Pressing the nozzle with full force, he watched as the water sprayed against her neck and shoulders, soaking her pajama top. Moving the sprayer up, he covered the entire area of her face. She opened her mouth to scream at him only to have it filled by water. After a few more seconds of torture, Mulder turned the faucet off. "There, much better, don't you think?" She opened her eyes, a devilish look crossing her features. Nodding slowly, she opened her mouth and spewed water straight at his grinning mouth. This took him by surprise, and he recoiled back, rubbing his eyes. "What's wrong, Mulder? After all, you needed your face washed, too." "You're evil, Dana Scully, so very evil." He walked over and grabbed a tea towel hanging from her stove. First, he wiped his own face, then dangled the towel before her. "You want?" he asked teasingly. She gave him an icy glare. To him, she looked like a drowned rat--hair soaked, shirt wet, face dripping. Even the counter she sat on was wet, meaning her pants were probably as well. "No, I don't," she said defiantly, crossing her arms and looking away. "Oh, I get it. We're being stubborn again, aren't we?" he replied, walking over to her. He took the towel and wiped it across her face, drying the small drops of water that had formed on her skin like a thin sheen of perspiration. Next, he took the cloth to her head and gently rubbed the water from her hair. By the end of his careful ministrations, she looked much better. He felt a twinge of guilt as he studied her expression. She looked solemn and somewhat upset. "Dana, I'm sorry if I went too far," was the only thing he could think of to say. "It's OK, Mulder," she said honestly, touching his cheek. "All in good fun, right?" He let out a breath of relief that she wasn't that upset. "Of course." She gave him a breathtaking smile and whispered in his ear. "Can you please go get me something dryer to wear?" "I'll be right back." He turned from her and went towards the bedroom. The instant she could no longer see him, she scooted down the counter and came to sit beside the refrigerator. *This isn't over yet, Fox* she thought gleefully. Quickly opening the frig, she scanned its contents. *Not much...not much at all...Except...* Her eyes lit up at the sight of a small can of whipped cream in the door. *Must be a Mulder Indulgence* She laughed as she imagined him sneaking to the frig, grabbing the cream, and squirting it into his mouth for a quick fix. She paused for a second, just to make sure he wasn't coming yet, before snatching up the can and sliding back to her original place by the sink. The can was placed behind her back, out of sight. Just as she was again settled, he appeared from the room with fresh clothes in hand. He extended the bundle to her. "Here you go." "Thanks." She took the clothes and put them on her lap. Her countenance turned serious. "Mulder, I just wanted to say sorry, too. I was acting very immature." He grasped her hands and squeezed. It was rather touching to see her utterly sincere with him. "You have no need to apologize, Dana. Not at all." Pulling him to her, Dana wrapped her arms around his broad back. He leaned into the hug and rested his head on her shoulder. With one arm still around his neck, Dana reached around and gripped the can. Slowly and carefully, she brought it close behind his neck. At that moment, he pulled away, making her limbs slightly jump. She compensated for her startled reaction by quickly grabbing his lips with her own. With one hand, she played with his shirt against the back of his neck. With the other, she readied the cream. In the space of two seconds, she pulled his shirt away from his body, and squirted the foamy, white substance down his back. A scream of pure shock ran from his throat as his back arched from the cold sensation. She didn't let him go, though, and satisfyingly squishing the cream between his skin and the shirt. "Dana!" he grabbed her arms and pushed them away. Backing up, he studied her--whipped cream can and all. Now, she looked anything but serious. She was trying desperately hard not to laugh too hard, for the expression on his face was of actual anger. She had gotten him back--had the last laugh. Or so she thought. He stalked loudly to the refrigerator, peered inside, grabbed what he needed, and shut the door to reveal... Uh, oh. A can of cheese spray. *Where did that come from? I *didn't* see *that* in there* "So, Dana, the war's not over?" he asked in annoyance as his hand shook the can. "It seemed to me we called an truce. But you were deceiving me the entire time, weren't you? Well, all I can say is, you're going to pay dearly for this one." It was becoming increasingly difficult to ignore the cold sticky cream that was sliding heavily down his back. "You should have thought before you did it, Dana because *getting even* is my middle name!" "I think before this little battle resumes, I should lay down a rule or two. First..." he was getting dangerously close to her, "no more deceiving. Frankly, if you put on the 'I'm so sorry' act again, I'm not going to fall for it. Second, the first one who runs out of ammunition loses. Oh, and by the way," he said matter of factly. "I've eaten more of the whipped cream than the cheese...sorry." They were now a few inches from each other, both holding up their weapons for the impending battle. "On the count of three..." Mulder spoke and she shivered in anticipation. She wasn't going down without a fight, that was for sure. "One...Two...Thr--" His voice was suddenly cut off by a loud gasp from across the room. The feuding pair both turned to see a somewhat shocked Margaret Scully, who had apparently let herself in the front door. They watched in guilty silence as she took in the room. The table--with its overturned bowls and puddle of orange juice underneath. The kitchen counter--a soaked surface with a soaked daughter on top. And last but not least--a slight bulge of something soaking through Fox's shirt near the small of his back. "What is going on here?!" she yelled, her forty odd years of mothering kicking in. "Dana? Fox? Explain yourselves!" Both expressions mirrored that of a child caught with his hand in the cookie jar. Dana was the first brave soul to speak. "Uh, Mom? I wasn't expecting you here so early." The elder Scully's arms crossed over her chest. "I don't think you've answered my question." True, Mrs. Scully looked very peeved on the outside, but inside, she was chuckling with amusement. The look on their faces could make anyone laugh. Not to mention, the current condition of the kitchen. Dana felt her mother's eyes stare heatedly in her direction. *Oh, boy* "Well, Mom...we were, uh, just having breakfast. Right, Mulder?" "Right," was his strangled, and only, reply. He didn't even have the courage to look either of the women in the eye. The situation was just too embarrassing. He was supposed to be taking care of Dana, and Mrs. Scully had to witness this. Well, it was good she came in when she did. If the cheese and whipped cream battle would have commenced, they would have had much more to explain. "Well, I can see it *started* out as breakfast--" "Then things got a little out of hand," Dana finished her sentence. A deafening silence echoed through the room. Just as Fox and her daughter looked as if they were going to cry, Maggie cracked a smile. The smile turned into an unrefined snort. And the snort erupted into a full blown laugh. *** After the kitchen had been thoroughly scrubbed and Fox and Dana had cleaned up, the three adults sat in the living room and talked. The time was calm and languid, very unlike the food fight that occurred hours before. The guilty pair had finally come to an agreement--no more seeking vengeance on each other. If it were up to them, the fight would probably still be going on, but Maggie put an end to it rather quickly. At the very least, Dana was relieved her mother was not angry over the little ordeal. She could tell that Fox was happy of that fact, too. Nothing was worse than the wrath of Margaret Scully. Stretching out against Fox's side a little more, Dana gasped when her stomach let out a loud growl. All three froze where they sat for what seemed like an eternity. Then, Fox was snapped from shock, peering down at her in wonderment. "Was that what I thought it was?" he asked with a grin. "Dana Scully's stomach growling?" "Go with it, Mulder," Dana answered coyly. "I guess my body's telling me I'm hungry." "Great!" Maggie exclaimed. "That's a big step. Well, what are we waiting for? Let's eat!" Title: "Into the Black Abyss IV: Old Demons" Author: Lavinia Paige Rating: PG Classification: SRA Keywords: Mulder/Scully romance Summary: Some feelings have yet to surface... WARNING: The angst is back. Please send all comments to: Lavinia627@aol.com (PLEASE, I need some feedback...) Disclaimer: They do not belong to me. They are property of Chris Carter, 1013 Productions, and Fox. ____________________________________________________ "Old Demons" By Lavinia Paige One month later... The scale snapped to life as she jumped upon it. It stopped at ninety. Her heart leapt to her throat and tears welled in her eyes. *Ten pounds! A whole ten pounds!* Pushing down the emotion, she turned her head towards the open bathroom door. From her position, she could hear Fox washing dishes in her kitchen. "Fox!" she called excitedly. It was very difficult to keep from jumping up and down for joy. Gaining ten pounds was irrefutable proof that she was getting better. "Come here, Fox!" At the sound of her voice, he raced down the hall. "Dana," he breathed in relief as he found her safe in the bathroom, "what's wrong?" With the awe of a child, she pointed to the numbers on the scale. "Look!" In two quick steps, he was at her side, looking down at the number. The digits took a few seconds to register in his brain. A smile spread over his face as he realized she had just met a personal goal--*their* personal goal. "Oh, Dana!" he cried, grabbing her into a tight hug. He picked her body up and twirled her around the room. "Ninety pounds! You did it! Almost triple digits!" She laughed as he spun her around and around. Finally, after about the tenth spin, he set her down. He gripped her head in his hands and gave her a quick kiss. Tears of joy wet both their faces. Pulling away from her lips, he buried his nose in the top of her head. "I'm so proud of you, babe. You've come so far." "I know, but..." she paused, sniffing away the tears, "but I couldn't have done it without you. I love you so much, Fox." "And I love you, too, Dana." He squeezed her tighter. "But we still have a ways to go. You might have gained ten pounds, but it's not enough. You realize that, right?" She hesitated slightly. "Y-Yes, I do." Silence filled the room as they held each other contentedly. Finally, Dana extricated herself from his long arms. "Mulder," she addressed him with pleading eyes, "may I please look at myself in the mirror now?" Looking down at her sorely, he sighed deeply. So she'd finally asked the question. During her time in the hospital and at home, he had rarely let her near a mirror. He was terrified her mind would tell her lies if she had a chance to look at her reflection. Now, even ten pounds heavier, she still looked very ill--pale face, sunken cheeks, pale lips. What would she think when she got a good look at herself? "Dana, I don't know if that's such a good idea so soon." Her eyes got a little wider. "Please, Fox. I need to see myself." By the look in her eyes, he saw that need. "OK..." he answered softly. Together, they walked up to the bathroom sink. The mirror suspended before them was covered by a sheet. It was the best way to keep her from using it, Mulder had thought. Reaching up, he grasped the material in his left hand and grabbed her hand with the other. He looked down to find her eyes. "You ready?" Dana nodded nervously. In one quick movement, the sheet was ripped from the glass surface. Dana's reaction to her appearance seemed to be in slow motion. At first, she just stared blankly--at the dull, limp hair, the lack lustrous blue eyes, the pale, clammy skin, the sunken holes underneath her cheekbones, the black-blue spots bagging under her eyes. The seconds ticked by, and her non-reaction changed to pure horror. *What has happened to me* she though gravely. *How could I have let this happen?* Floods of insecurity poured through her brain. *How can he love me like this? I don't even look human! Is he disgusted when he kisses me? Is it just pity?* He saw the look on her face and immediately knew what she was thinking. Grasping her shoulders, he turned her body away from the mirror and towards him. "Dana," he answered firmly, "I know what you must be thinking--don't. Whatever you see...it's not you." "No!" she protested and pushed from his hands. She turned again to look at herself, touching her face as if to justify what the mirror told her. "Look at me." she saw the tears pool at the corners of her eyes. "Just look at me!" "Dana--" "Shut up, Mulder!!!" her shrill shriek cut him off. Her face had flushed to an angry red...and her eyes--*those beautiful eyes*--were firing daggers at his heart. "Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't you just tell me the truth? That I look like this! Why did you have to play those mind games with me instead?!" "What mind games?" he cried, starting to feel anger itch its way up his spine. *Don't do this now, Dana!* She closed the distance between them in one step while pointing an accusing finger in his direction. "All this telling me I'm beautiful crap! The 'I love you so much, Dana' phrases. Or how about, 'You've been making so much progress, *babe*'. Why are you saying these lies right to my face!? Have you no respect?!" "*What* are you talking about?" His voice was wrought with disbelief. "I never said anything I didn't mean. You ARE beautiful, Dana! And I'm sorry that you can't see that." "I'll tell you what I see." She walked back to the mirror. "I see a sack of bones, a waste of space. I see something that should have died months ago, to spare herself and others around her!" "DON'T you dare say that!!!" He raised his voice more than he ever had before with her. Shocked at his tone and volume, Dana turned around. Before her stood a very, very irate man. The anger reddened his face and made his shoulder muscles tense. Tears of remorse blurred his features, threatening to spill. "I NEVER want to hear you say you'd rather be dead!!!" The sound of his voice made her blood run cold. "Do you understand?!" Still wallowing in self pity, she turned and stalked from the room, calling over her shoulder, "What do you care?" OK, so she was being overly unfair. But she felt extremely betrayed. Betrayed and hurt by the one she loved. Off her comment, the anger climaxed into utter rage. He rushed after her, reaching her form in under two seconds. He grabbed her around the waist from behind and turned her to him. Before she could even let out a startled gasp, he locked his lips to hers in a fervent kiss. This particular embrace was completely different from any they had shared before. While the prior kisses had been soft and gentle, this kiss was rough and brutal. Dana tried desperately to get out of the circle of his arms, but he held her steady. His lips grew more feral against hers, causing her to cry she out in pain as he closed his teeth over her bottom lip and bit down...hard. "No..." she moaned against his mouth. This wasn't right. This wasn't an embrace of love. It was one of hate, of anger, of vengeance. Why was he doing this? He had to know he was hurting her. Suddenly, the embrace was broken, his lips leaving hers making a loud popping sound. Mulder pushed Dana away roughly, letting her sink mercilessly to the floor. It took a few seconds for him to realized she was crying. Her sobs were soft but the tears many. A trickle of blood formed on her lips and she tried to wipe it away with a finger. The horror of what he had done made him gasp out loud. *How could you, Mulder?!?! Look what you did to her!!! She's bleeding!* "Ohhh, Dana," he took a step towards her sunken form, but she put a hand up, indicating he was to stay away. "Dana, I-I'm so sorry. I didn't know." But she only shook her head. He could not see her eyes. They were hidden under a red curtain of hair. She made no attempt to look at him. Instead, she pulled herself to her feet and walked towards the bedroom. She used the sleeve of her sweatshirt to blot the blood from her lips and chin. *You've really stepped over the line this time, Mulder. This is it. She'll never want to see you again* Knowing that she would not acknowledge his presence if he ran after her, he realized he had only one choice. Grabbing his light overcoat from the closet, he opened the front door and stepped out into the hall. Within seconds, he was out of the building. *** Dana heard the door slam, and she knew he was gone. But forever? She guessed not. He was smart in assuming she wouldn't be in the mood to talk to him now. Especially after that kiss. What had possessed his to be so rough? *Don't be an idiot, Dana. You know exactly what did it* In truth, she knew it was the only way he could vent his anger. She knew she'd said some stupid things, but it was so difficult to think that he could love her in this condition. Maybe his lips tried to tell her of the passion he felt between them and that breaking through her tender skin had been just a mistake. But thinking back to it, she remembered seeing the intensity in his eyes while he covered her mouth. The same intensity he had when he worked. Was he using that same intensity to show her the meaning of their relationship? The thought made her shiver. Shiver with uncertainty, with fear, and with anticipation. Still, she liked the gentle Mulder better. His soft caresses that made her drowsy with contentment. His hands that rubbed her aching shoulders and back before bed. Those arms that encircled around her tiny frame to keep her warm at night. That was the Fox Mulder she knew and loved. *But I've driven him to this* she thought sadly. *My selfishness, self-centeredness, self-pity...* Willing the tears not to start again, she took a wet washcloth and wiped the remaining blood from her lower lip. She was not seriously hurt--just emotionally wounded. And it wasn't his fault...it was hers...entirely hers. *** Three hours and a shower later, she heard a knocking at the front door. It was soft, tentative. If she hadn't been sitting on her couch and waiting for the very sound, she would not have heard it. It was him, she knew it. And he would not let himself in like he had numerous times before. No, he'd make her let him in. To represent the fact that she had forgiven him. Dana sighed softly before pulling herself to her feet. Even though she now had enough strength to walk by herself, she still felt incredibly weak when moving around, especially now that it was the night time. Just out of rote, she stood on her tip toes to look through the peep hole on the door before turning the locks and swinging it open. There he stood, looming over her. The hall light was blocked by his lanky frame, casting a shadow over her face. At first, she could not look at his face. Instead, she stared at a spot in the middle of his chest. It was not until he spoke that she allowed herself to look at his face. "Dana...?" His voice was woven tightly with pain and regret. Her name on his lips was both an apology and a plea. He was sorry for what he did and begged her to let him come back. "Mulder...?" she answered in the same tone, unsure of what to do next. She inwardly shuddered when she looked into his eyes. They were dark and sunken. His face had grown pale and sickly. He looked as if he had not slept for years, and it broke her heart. "I--" he started to speak, but she stopped him. "No. Don't say anything...just come inside." Her voice was barely above a whisper. She turned her back and walked away from the door. He followed close behind, hoping and waiting for her next words. But they didn't come. Instead, he silently followed her into her bedroom. For a brief moment, he guiltily thought he'd waken her from sleep, but the neatly made bed told him he did not. Standing near the night stand, with its lamp illuminating her slight form, she unraveled the tether that held her robe shut. The material fell off her shoulders, revealing a cotton, flowered nightgown. He stood and watched as she pulled the covers back from the bed and climbed in under the sheets. Slowly, she slid her body to the right side of the mattress. Her actions were puzzling. What was she doing? Ignoring him? Teaching him a lesson? What did she want from him? Dana sat up in the bed and took one of the two pillows behind her. Plumping it up with her small hands, she put it down beside her on the left side of the bed. Then, she settled herself down, making sure she stayed on her side. Mulder watched in slow motion as her hand extended out toward him in invitation. Her actions suddenly made sense to him. She was clearing a space for him, telling him she still needed him without words. He gently clasped her outstretched hand and squeezed her fingers, wishing he could meet her eyes. But she wouldn't allow it. Her gaze did not move from its position on the pillow next to her head. The pillow--*his* pillow. He released her fingers and moved to change clothes. He went from jeans and a sweat shirt to sweat pants and a T-shirt in a matter of minutes. What she did next confused him. As he lowered himself onto the left side of her bed, prepared to meet her loving gaze, she rolled away from him, giving him only a view of her back. "Dana?" he whispered, reaching out to touch her shoulder. She jumped at his touch and he hastily recoiled. For a number of tense minutes, he laid watching her back. She was so quiet and unmoving. She might have even been asleep for all he could tell. Then, he heard a soft mouse-sounding squeak escape from her throat. The sound crushed his heart. It was so small, so weak, so incredibly un-Scully. The little sound was followed by two hushed words; words that made him stop breathing for a few seconds; words that made his eyes explode with moisture: "Forgive me." Forgive me. Forgive me? *Forgive her? But why? She didn't do anything. It was all my fault. Oh, Dana, darling, sweetheart, don't say that. Give *me* a chance to say it to you* She turned around and looked into his eyes. Her beautiful baby blues shimmered with tears. Her face had grown crinkled and her lips parted in a shaky breath. "Forgive me...please," she said again. He shook his head, and her eyes darkened. "No, no. You have nothing to be sorry for, Dana...It's me who needs your forgiveness. He wanted to touch her--to pull her into his embrace and hold her for the rest of his life. His body would not allow it, though. Not yet. "I said things I didn't mean, Mulder...Fox...things that hurt you." "But *I* hurt you, Scully!" he rasped. His throat hurt as it tried to hold back the repressed remorse and guilt he felt. Reaching out, he placed a finger again her torn lip. "I hurt you..." "You didn't mean to, Mulder." She leaned in closer to him, grasping his hand to keep the finger against her lips. She pressed a light kiss to the finger. "It was an accident, only an accident." "N--" he started to protest, but her own fingers against his mouth silenced him. "I will not forgive you for something you didn't mean to do, Mulder, and that's the end of it." With that, she let go of his hand, and he moved away from her. "Don't pull away, Fox," she pleaded as she shifted closer to him. "Please, don't..." He propped himself up on an elbow, resting on his side. She pressed her side to his body, wrapping her left arm around his torso. Her right hand found its way to his face, where its fingers lightly traced his jaw and cheek. "I'm sorry for what I said. None of it was true. Oh, Mulder...I *know* you care for me..love me...need me. I was in shock. I haven't seen myself in a mirror for so long...probably for eight months now." "What do you mean?" His own hands found their way to her shoulders, lightly stroking, massaging the tense muscles. "I haven't seen the *real* me in the mirror since this first started, Mulder. I have only seen the fat person. I didn't realize how bad it had gotten." "Just don't ever tell me you're not beautiful, Dana, because I can only say you are. You're more than beautiful...you are a goddess, a ray of sunshine, an angel...my angel." For a few minutes, they contented themselves by just holding each other. Finally, after a wonderful eternity, Mulder moved out of her arms, jumping off the bed and pulling her with him. "Mulder, what are you doing?" she asked as he picked her up off the soft mattress and placed her bare feet on the floor. "We're going to the bathroom," he answered, tugging her along by the arm. Upon reaching the door, she stopped him. "But why?" "Because," was his short reply. "Because why?" This was starting to get a little annoying. Mulder instantly turned serious. Slipping an arm around her waist, he drew her into his embrace. "Because you are going to look in the mirror." NO! She shuddered, feeling a previously closed wound break open and start to bleed. "Mulder..." she sighed softly, pushing away from him and shaking her head. "Yes, Dana," he said firmly. "You need to do this." "But..." "Please, Dana," his eyes grew desperate and needy, "if you won't do it for yourself, do it for me." *How can you resist the one you love?* she thought tiredly. Feeling numb all over, Dana allowed him to lead her body into the room. She stiffened slightly as they neared the mirror. "Keep your eyes open," he gently warned as they took the last remaining steps and stood in front of the sink. She would not look. She could not look. Standing behind her with his hands on her shoulders, he whispered in her ear. "I'm going to leave you in here alone for *five* minutes, Dana. I don't want you to move from this spot. I just want you to look. I want you to think of three things you like about what you see. When I get back, you're going to tell me, OK?" "I...don't...want...to," she said meekly, sick at the thought of playing this little game. As if reading her mind, he spoke, "This is no game, Dana. This will help you. I know these things. I'm a psychologist, remember?" Despite his reassurances, she started to turn away from the mirror. He gripped her shoulders tighter and held her steady. "Dana?" His breath skimmed the back of her neck. "What?" "Do you trust me?" She moved her head around to catch a sideways glance of his face. "You know I do." He leaned in closer and placed a soft kiss against her lips. "Then do this." Her nod was slow and somewhat reluctant, but he took it as a yes. "I'll be back in just five minutes." He squeezed her shoulders and kissed her cheek before leaving the room. As she heard him leave, pure unadulterated fear ripped through her veins. She felt petrified, unable to move her eyes to the mirror. She willed her head to straighten, and she flinched as she met her own eyes in the glass before her. *OK, Dana, three things...* *Eyes...no, too dull* *Cheek bones...stick out too much* *Chin...pointed, not soft* *Lips...thin, pale* *Hair...ugh...dull, flat, limp* *Ohhh...what's wrong with me!* she moaned inwardly, covering her face with her hands. *Nothing?! Nothing I like?* Pulling her hands back, she watched the tears dribble down her face, dripping into the sink. *I will not cry out. I will not* she ordered herself. *I am not weak. I can fight this. It will get better....please, it has to get better* Suddenly, she felt his presence behind her, standing only a few feet away. *Five minutes already?* Their eyes met each other in the mirror. His face was tight with pain and his hands trembled at his sides. "Oh, Dana..." he sighed. He had shamefully watched from outside the door as she tried to look at herself. He'd never fully understood until that moment that she *really* couldn't bear seeing herself in the mirror. It hurt him so much--made him want to weep. He walked up to her, positioning himself in between the offending piece of glass and her shaking form. "I didn't know it would be so hard." She crumpled against his chest, her head slamming against his shoulder almost violently. He gripped her head and pulled her away from his shoulder to see her expression. Her mouth was slightly agape, as if she was crying out to him, but not a single sound escaped from her lips. "Dana, don't hold it back. Just cry. Just tell me what you're feeling." "I can't," she said tersely, her teeth biting her lower lip as she swallowed her sobs. "There's nothing...nothing I see." "Then we'll look together," he pulled her against his side and turned them around. They met each others eyes in the mirror. "Now," he said calmly, rubbing her arms with long, sure strokes. "Tell me, what do you think of...let me see...your eyes?" "I can't," she answered again. "I see nothing." "OK," he exhaled slowly. "Then, *I* will tell you what I think." He gripped her chin in his hand to make sure she wouldn't stop looking in the mirror. "Your eyes are so incredibly gorgeous...full of life and expression. They convey your emotions perfectly. When you're sad, they speak of vulnerability. When you're angry, they spark with a fiery intensity and bravery. And the color, Dana, ohhh, the color; it's breathtaking. They change between shades of dark blue and aqua marine, depending on the clothes you wear. I notice that all the time--ever since our first case together." "And your lips, Dana? Perfectly shaped. Expressive. Demure. Very kissable, believe me." He grinned off of her wry smile. "I won't lie to you." He turned her body toward him. "I won't say your body is perfect right now. You're still too thin, and it shows. But the body doesn't compare to what's inside--in here." He laid a hand against her heart, feeling the steady beat against his palm. "This is what I love the most about you, Dana. This is what I have *always* loved about you." To his delight, her face broke out into a huge smile, dimples and all. *And the walls came a'tumbling down* he thought happily. He allowed her to slip her arms around his neck and pull his head down in a soft, sweet kiss--an embrace that was the antithesis of what they had shared untold hours ago. Pulling back after a few short minutes, he whispered in her ear, "I have a present for you." Her eyebrows shot up in mild surprise. "What sort of present?" Wiping away the last of the moisture from the corners of her eyes, he shook his head. "Not gonna tell. You just have to wait and find out." Her lower lip pouted and she looked at him with pleading eyes. "Tell me, please?" He turned around and pulled her hand to follow, tugging from the bathroom to the bedroom. He stopped next to her bed and let go of her hand. Walking over to his overnight bag in the corner, he sifted through clothes until he found the object in question. The box he held in his hands was rectangular and medium sized, wrapped in shiny gold and green paper. "It's not even my birthday, Mulder," Dana teased as the box was placed in her hands. He reached out and gripped her arms and pushed down, making her sit down on the bed. "Before you open it, Dana, I need to explain. I see this gift as a goal. A very special goal for both of us." "What do you mean?" "Just open it and see." Carefully, she tore the paper away from the box. When it came time to take the lid off, she had trouble. She grumbled low in her throat. "Ugh, you're one of those people who tapes these things shut, aren't you?" He chuckled softly and reached out to help her. "Sorry about that. My mommy taught me well." Seconds later, she lifted the lid and gasped out loud. "Oh, Mulder, it's beautiful," she said in awe, pulling the box's contents out. She held the dress up over her head for inspection. It was a black short length, short sleeve polyester dress. A thin strip of blue velvet outlined the crossover v-neck. A sheer black gauze fell from the empire waistline, skimming lightly over the knit skirt. "Thank you," she gave him a smile and kissed his cheek. "Do you understand yet?" he asked gently. Confusion arced her brow. "No, sorry, I don't think I do." "Check out the size." He found the tag on the back of the dress and allowed her to look. "Size two," she said out loud, uncertainly. "Mulder, I don't think--" "I know," he shushed her. "It's too big. Too big, right now, that is. You see, Dana, this," he held up the dress, "is your goal. We are going to work hard to get this to fit, OK? And when it does, you're going to display it." "Display it? W-What do you mean?" It had suddenly become very difficult to speak. Her heart had risen to her throat. Could this man be any more wonderful? "Well, when the dress fits, I'm taking you out to the restaurant of your choice. Doesn't matter where it is. I don't care if it's in China, we'll still go." The tears could not stay back any longer. She let out a little sob and threw her arms around him. "Oh, Fox..." she murmured against his neck. "Thank you so much...for everything." "And thank you," he kissed her hair, "for helping me find my heart." ************************************************************ Epilogue: (for those who need resolution) Two months later, the dress finally fit. At 105 pounds, Dana Scully was starting to look healthy again. Her cheeks had gained some color and her step was more confident. Doctor Roberts told her she would not have to have weekly check-ups anymore or keep a chart of her weight. In short, he'd given her a clean bill of health. Mulder still silently hoped that she would gain at least five to ten pounds more, but he wasn't complaining. His little "babe" could now look at herself in any mirror without fear. "Mulder? Come here! I want you to look." Mulder found her standing in the middle of her bedroom, a wide grin plastered across her face. Her petite form donned the beautiful gift he'd given her not long ago. "How do I look?" she asked, playing with the dress's soft material self-consciously as she spun around. "Like an angel," he whispered, opening his arms in invitation. She raced across the room and practically jumped into his arms, laughing as he sprinkled her face with tiny kisses. "I did it, Fox...*we* actually did it!" Her voice was filled with both joy and astonishment. She couldn't help feeling surprised at the outcome of this whole ordeal. It was not even four months ago when she thought she would surely die--strapped to a hospital bed, impaled by an IV. But no, she was safe, happy, and *alive*--alive in spirit, body, and soul. Still holding her like there was no tomorrow, Mulder murmured against her hair, "So, Dana, where are we going--Tahiti, the Bahamas, Roswell?" She laughed at his latter choice and shook her head. "None of those places. I think we should just stay local." "Awww..." he complained, "You're taking all the fun out of it." "What do you mean? I always have fun with you, Mulder." He sighed in resignation. "OK, OK, so we'll stay around here. I must warn you, though, wherever we go, I'm gonna feel like a million bucks. Everybody will be thoroughly impressed with the charming, witty, beautiful woman on my arm." "Why, Fox," she said teasingly, "who ever could that 'charming, witty, beautiful woman' be?" His lips found hers once again. "You, Dana Katherine Scully. Only you." FINIS! Hope you liked it, folks. This is really the end. No more extensions, no more sequels. It's time to start anew. Please send me your comments. I'd greatly appreciate hearing from you. (Lavinia627@aol.com)